#1
New song Ive been working on
It IS in the first stage, so go ahead and have anall-out bash battle if you must because it IS kind of crappy at this oint, which is why im posting of course. It doesnt have any "chorus-verse" format or nothin either so w/ever


Im too sick to move today
Theres venom already in my veins
Hearts beating slower
But softer all for you
With only a brush
Contracted the poison
Only a touch and Im
Dying to live for you

Feelings on paper
Sealed away
Emotion in words
In my ink might stay
Like so many letters
Written in vain

Youre dying too but slowly
Theres room for one more
Inside this grave
That Ive dug out for myself
Im six feet in already
But theres still yime to join me
Like Romeo and Juliet
Figuratively speaking

And every word
Every word that you say
Makes life that much harder to stay
In
And all that you do
nd the more that you say
Makes clearer the reason to stay
And the world will stop turning today
In a sense Ive furnished our own grave
#2
Before you post your next piece please give the rules a read over. I've edited your title this time.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
not a bad rough draft. i noticed the second verse had six lines while the rest of them had eight, so if you wanted to give it more structure you could maybe write another six line stanza and put it in between the third and fourth verse. but if not it still flows pretty well the way it is.

i think the last verse needs work; you have the words "stay" and "say" at the end of two lines and i dont think it flows as well as the rest. the rest of it is pretty solid though so your well on your way.

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=866033
this is the proper thread to crit, not the other two with the same title by theeggman.(long story)
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#5
the extra lines of the last part are kind of slowed a bit, it has a sort of prog-y feel to it
i cant get the music for it recorded because i dont have any software right now but once i get it up it will be easier to understand how the rhythm, melody and whatnot goes