#1
C4C. acoustic song. if you have problems with the flow, just imagine bob dylan singing it.

verse 1:
when i woke up today
i found the last dirt road was paved
and the entire world was coloured grey

i threw my money in a wishing well
that black hole led me straight to hell
and i asked the devil if he was lookin to sell

chorus:
can you tell me where the sun has gone
has your head been trampled on
and will i ever fall in love

verse 2:
i stopped a stranger and asked him why
the sun was not in the sky
he said to find you and look you in the eyes

well i wore through the bottoms of my shoes
searching my whole life to find you
can you make me forget what ive been through

chorus:
can you tell me where the sun has gone
have you ever had your head stepped on
and will i ever fall in love

and can you tell me if my life will change
will people always think im strange
and when the bomb goes of will i be in range

verse 3:
when i woke up today
i found the last dirt was paved
and the entire world was coloured grey

chorus:
and will you be my heroine
hold me tight when my head spins
and forgive me every time i sin

and can you tell me
will i ever fall in love

after the third verse im planning on hooking up an acoustic or classical guitar to a wah wah pedel and doing some kind of solo.
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#2
its my stupid computer it keeps switching my posts for no reason. im logged in under my profile but when i post something it puts it under my brothers profile and logs me out.
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#3
verse 1:
when i woke up today
i found the last dirt road was paved
and the entire world was coloured grey

i threw my money in a wishing well
that black hole led me straight to hell
and i asked the devil if he was lookin to sell


Really strong beginning to the verse. I may be reading too much into the final two lines, but it seems as if it it almost an attack on the urbanisation of everywhere, like the "last dirt road" represents nature and it being "paved" and the world being "coloured grey" signify how something simple is being changed, perhaps for the worst.

The second part of the verse continues the idea of something being corrupted, maybe the character throwing his money away is one of his vices, hence why it leads him to hell. The final line brings the verse to a comfortable ending. There is a good use of imagery here, very powerful, and I liked the rhyming in it, "paved" is not a direct rhyme but works to great effect. Good job here.

chorus:
can you tell me where the sun has gone
has your head been trampled on
and will i ever fall in love


For me, this is a little too short for a chorus, and your good work in verse 1 is undone by a very weak 2nd line. I really disliked "has your head been trampled on". I'm all for questions being asked in songs, but this one looks as if it's just been thrown in to create a rhyme with "gone" and it doesn't relate to the 1st verse's subject matter. The last line isn't too strong either, again it doesn't have a relation to verse 1, or not one that I can see. Maybe work on this chorus a little.

verse 2:
i stopped a stranger and asked him why
the sun was not in the sky
he said to find you and look you in the eyes

well i wore through the bottoms of my shoes
searching my whole life to find you
can you make me forget what ive been through


You make up for the poor chorus with another great verse here. I really liked the line "he said to find you and look you in the eye" as it creates the idea that if you find the person referred to as "you", that you will find what you were looking for. Maybe this person is the "Sun" you are looking for. I enjoyed the continuation of the searching theme in the 2nd part of the verse, you use simple imagery to great effect i.e "I wore through the bottom of my shoes". Another good job on the verse, well done!

chorus:
can you tell me where the sun has gone
have you ever had your head stepped on
and will i ever fall in love

and can you tell me if my life will change
will people always think im strange
and when the bomb goes of will i be in range


Like I said before, the beginning of the chorus is too weak in subject matter for me. You manage to improve on it with the second part, but it is still a little too vague, almsot as if I've heard this before. I didn't like the final line, again seems too sing-songy for me.

verse 3:
when i woke up today
i found the last dirt was paved
and the entire world was coloured grey


Same sentiments as with Verse 1, I really like the imagery and wording in this verse.

chorus:
and will you be my heroine
hold me tight when my head spins
and forgive me every time i sin

and can you tell me
will i ever fall in love


This chorus makes up for the previous two. It is alot more personal, and relates to the story told in the first 2 verses. There's not much for me to say about this part except for good job, recovers well from the other choruses.

All in all this is a brilliant piece of work mate, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Aside from the poor choruses the song is very very strong. Your use of imagery at the beginning is great and your poetic technique is also something which I found very impressive. Kepp up the good work man, I'd love to hear this when it's recorded.

Could you take a look at my latest song? I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it, cheers in advance. Here's the link: In Between Dreams

Thanks;

-Toby
#4
cool song. I could get Dylan singing it. And that post above is the best frickin constructive criticism/analysis I have ever seen. Can you look at my songs? ;-)
I'm a pianist and a poet,
and someday the world will know it
But until then all that I can do
is play my songs for you.

Wallflower says: Thank You! But my friend Odd is, well, feeling odd.