#1
This is a poem I wrote in Writer's craft, and recently dug it up and turned it into a song that I am now recording. Its more comical than serious so don't take it too seriously.

My Old Horse:

My old horse, he struts slow;
Stiff, tired, his head hangs low.
His knees are worn, and so,
He cannot walk at all.
He sits in the cold snow,
For he has no stable.
I do not feed him, no,
nor leave out his water…

I checked two nights ago,
And my old horse is dead.

In case your interested, this is how I rearranged it for the song.

My Old Horse:

Verse 1:

My old horse, he struts slow;
Stiff, tired, his head hangs low.


Chorus:
His knees are worn, and so,
He sits in cold snow
(My Old Horse)
He cannot walk at all.
(My Old Horse)


Verse 2:
I do not feed him, no,
nor leave out his water…

Chorus:
His knees are worn, and so,
He sits in cold snow
(My Old Horse)
He cannot walk at all.
(My Old Horse)
He has no stable.
(My Old Horse)


End:
I checked two nights ago,
And my old horse is dead.
#2
I like this piece both as a piece of short prose and a song, as I think it works very well either way. Is this going to be a simple acoustic deal, just one guitar and the vocals? If so it should turn out great when it's recorded because that format will give the song a great sense of atmosphere. And I know you said it's more comical but it was great as a serious piece in my opinion. Anywho I'll get to critting it now!

Verse 1:

My old horse, he struts slow;
Stiff, tired, his head hangs low.


Very simple and sets up your theme matter straight away. You've got some great imagery here, nice job. Love the slow/low rhyme.

Chorus:
His knees are worn, and so,
He sits in cold snow
(My Old Horse)
He cannot walk at all.
(My Old Horse)


Again you have a great sense of imagery in this chorus. Creates the idea that this horse has given up, but also that you have given up on the horse. Maybe change "cold snow" to "the snow" because the cold isn't really needed. Or maybe the line could be changed to "He sits, cold, in the snow" for a better effect. I like the idea of the piece in the brackets being gently sung over the top of the chorus, good job.

Verse 2:
I do not feed him, no,
nor leave out his water…


I wasn't as taken in by this verse as I was by the previous one, I can see the idea you are trying to put across but the wording doesn't seem to do it justice.

Chorus:
His knees are worn, and so,
He sits in cold snow
(My Old Horse)
He cannot walk at all.
(My Old Horse)
He has no stable.
(My Old Horse)


Another great, strong chorus. Like the previous one think about changing the snow line.

End:
I checked two nights ago,
And my old horse is dead.


I like the almost abrupt ending to the piece. It's simple and harsh, much like the treatment of the horse in the piece.

All in all this is a great piece mate, nice work. I love the simple imagery and the way you stick to the one idea throughout. Could you take a look at my latest piece? I'd appreciate reading your ideas on it, thanks in advance. Here's the link: In Between Dreams

-Toby
#3
Ya, I've completely recorded the first verse and chorus, you can listen and crit it here if you want. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14368627#post14368627
Good call on the acoustic guitar, thats what I was thinking too (seeing as thats what I did), except I thought it would be fun to build up the second verse and chorus and introduce bass, drums, and electric guitar. I've already written some parts, so when I get time, I'll finish that and post it on UG.
Anyways, thanks a lot for the feedback, I'll get to yours now.
#4
Thanks man, I look forward to seeing your thoughts on it =]

Just had a listen to the song and it sounds great so far. The drums and bass idea should work really well, can't wait to hear the finished article mate!