#1
This is a song I wrote the other night, among many others, but I need some feedback on this.

This bullet tipped with poison
The poison from your lips
Has caught me in the chest
Punched a hole in my lung
So now I can't even breathe
Turn your back and walk away

Turn your back cause it won't be the first time
Turn you back now it will be the last time

(Missing Chorus)

How could I have seen this coming
I'll admit it, you're such a good liar
And now the poison in my veins
Has stopped my heart from beating
But you'll choke on the words that you're eating

As I'm gasping my last breath escapes me
As I'm gasping my last breath escapes me

(Missing Chorus)

Now I see, your heart is black
As frigid as an arctic sea
Your life's a mess, a wreck
When will you see
That every time you break a heart
You lose a little of your own

Still working on the melody (and obviously the chorus). Let me know what you think!
MY GEAR!!

Gibson Les Paul Classic
Gibson Les Paul Special
Marshall JCM2000 DSL100 Head
Mesa/Boogie 4x12 Rectifier Slant Cab
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Boss Giga Delay
Boss Flanger
Monster Cables
    #2
    i realy like this. there are some realy deep lyrics in there that make this a realy nice piece.

    but at the same time theres some lines in there that seem realy forced and cheep, creating a sort of off balance in the song.

    but over all it was realy good.
    Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
    ____________________________________________
    #3
    thanks man. which lines did you think were forced?
    MY GEAR!!

    Gibson Les Paul Classic
    Gibson Les Paul Special
    Marshall JCM2000 DSL100 Head
    Mesa/Boogie 4x12 Rectifier Slant Cab
    Dunlop Crybaby Wah
    Boss Giga Delay
    Boss Flanger
    Monster Cables