#1
A new one.
Inspired from observance.
Crits returned.


and some fell by the thorns ----

My soul's behind the glass,
It's beneath the lucid seam.
For them to penetrate.
For them to validate.

"You don't have to worry;
They know what they're doing."

Ringing through my ears is
Their priceless advice.
(The kind that they shout
From their ivory towers)
They say it makes it better.
They say it makes it stronger.

Because they know the difference.
Because they know what's real.

"You don't have to worry;
They know what they're doing."

My soul's behind the glass,
It's beneath the broken seam.
It's been penetrated.
It's been violated.

"You knew you had to worry;
They knew what they were doing."

Scrambling in the wind is
Their priceless advice.
(The kind that died
In their ivory towers)
They said they made it better.
They said they made it stronger.

Because they knew the difference.
Because they knew what's real.

"They knew what they were doing.
They knew that yours was real."
Last edited by my name is Pete at May 23, 2008,
#2
The repeition throughout made everything that was repeated have less and less impact. It's a valuable and strong technique, so learn to use it wisely.

I couldn't get past this piece because of its tediousness. I might be back later.
#3
For me this was interesting. I haven't read something so... open in a while, and I'm not sure I like it.

This piece could have been written by anyone about anything. There's nothing to direct you in a certain direction and tell you, "this is how you need to feel", "this is the main idea you need to know"... there's no focus and I was very distracted throughout the piece with trying to find the meaning, and I couldn't even concentrate on the writing, if it was good or not.

It wasn't bad, the repetition didn't bother me as much, but I do think that it was a bit long and thus the repetition took a toll.

This kind of piece is too open to interpretation and is lacking some originality. Just not my thing. I have seen much better from you.
This is not a pipe
#4
Quote by carmel_l
For me this was interesting. I haven't read something so... open in a while, and I'm not sure I like it.

This piece could have been written by anyone about anything. There's nothing to direct you in a certain direction and tell you, "this is how you need to feel", "this is the main idea you need to know"... there's no focus and I was very distracted throughout the piece with trying to find the meaning, and I couldn't even concentrate on the writing, if it was good or not.

It wasn't bad, the repetition didn't bother me as much, but I do think that it was a bit long and thus the repetition took a toll.

This kind of piece is too open to interpretation and is lacking some originality. Just not my thing. I have seen much better from you.


Too open to interpretation? I was going for a "make what you will of it" thing, but I didn't know I could overdo it. Dang. x'D

And yeah, I'm a repetition *****. That's what I get for listening to Rage Against the Machine during my formative years. =P
#5
pete, if this is the one you want me to critique, just post under this: "yes, asshole."
if not: "no, asshole."

lol.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.