#1
frame by frame
i was on the one going downtown

as the subway came to a halt at 23rd street
i spotted a couple on the northbound platform
-a white man donning a grey peacoat and green beret
looking up affectionately
at a black man with a charcoal overcoat and a beige trilby-
one tossed the others hair
as the other brought his hand onto the other's shoulder
then up to just below the ear,
drawing closer

the doors came to a close
and the subway began to move;
the blackened iron beams passing by
made the couple's actions film-like
the train's window,
a movie screen

and i watched
frame by frame
as their bodies pressed together
as their faces approached each other's
as their lips hesitated in the final inch
as they kissed

this was not the stuff of actors
#4
I really liked this. I think that the first stanza was a bit clumsy with all the "one and the other" mentions and trying to make it work both wording-wise and make the scene clear. It was a bit describe-the-criminal-police-questioning kind of describing and I found it a bit odd to the rest of the piece, especially the ending which was very delicate, in a way.

Other than that I had no complaint whatsoever. It was lovely.
This is not a pipe
#5
I agree with Carmel, those four lines were a bit muddled in really narrating what was going on.

That was all, though. I loved the closer/close over the two stanzas, I loved the "blackened beams" quite a lot, though I think the comma inbetween trains/a movie screen was misplaced.

I'm just glad you posted this, Teg
#6
thank you all
i haven't written in months, it was nice to finally create something again
i wish i lived in the city, these subway excerpts are just from the times i occasionally show up there

edit: i know the wording is clumsy, i shall work on it