#1
Sup, got a new one, I should be particularly caught up. Everyone who wanted a crit last time, I got too. So suck it bad karma.

Crit4crit like always.


Between The Runners

Between the runners and the
back alley pseudonyms we get our
groove on to the sound of Dusk at
Cubist Castle. Living without the
pretense of waking up just to
find new retrospect.
Short sighted bodies building
cars out of unused parts,
We're just friends calling everything
sweet, I never said
I wanted to believe in,
and this bull**** ends when the vicar
calls out the names of woman I've left
dead on my heels.

We'll walk between the runners,
just to say we're going the right way,
I can't explain how you've stayed
well slept, never closing your eyes to
sound of waiting calls. I can only
ask about how you're supposed to feel. If
only I'd been truer. Totting bags to collect pennies
for brushed copper art. I guess it's a start,
never mind the ovarian follicles, it's nothing
to be afraid of. Three girls I've had in the past
had it ovarian cancer, I can't say I love her when
I've got all this time to see where it goes. I do
anyway though. Tell her that I love her,
because I don't wait to stray into
the runners racing their hands into
someone's hair, not theirs.
And I then started running too.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
This part was class:

"We'll walk between the runners,
just to say we're going the right way,
I can't explain how you've stayed
well slept, never closing your eyes to
sound of waiting calls. I can only
ask about how you're supposed to feel. If
only I'd been truer. Totting bags to collect pennies
for brushed copper art. I guess it's a start,
never mind the ovarian follicles, it's nothing
to be afraid of."

Everything else just seemed sort of normal for you. Better than most here... but nothing spectacular. This won't be one that I remember from you in a week... but I'm not upset I read it. That's all I got... you're well above my skill level, so I won't bother with technical bullshit
#3
Between the runners and the
back alley pseudonyms we get our
groove on to the sound of Dusk at
Cubist Castle.

Very nice imagery and line to start the piece with, but it's a hell of a sentence to read in one breath.

Living without the
pretense of waking up just to
find new retrospect.

This read very awkward especially when it came to "Waking up just to". Somehow your flow gets mangled here.

Short sighted bodies building
cars out of unused parts,
We're just friends calling everything
sweet, I never said
I wanted to believe in,
and this bull**** ends when the vicar
calls out the names of woman I've left
dead on my heels.

I think this part and I guess some of the rest, suffer from the same problem I've been having. It makes sense to me what I'm reading, I understand what's being said and can make the connections. But the readers can't, it's still a bit to cryptic for them, having your readers guessing is good, but they shouldn't be doing it the entire piece through.

We'll walk between the runners,
just to say we're going the right way,
I can't explain how you've stayed
well slept, never closing your eyes to
sound of waiting calls.

I can only ask about how you're supposed to feel. If
only I'd been truer. Totting bags to collect pennies
for brushed copper art. I guess it's a start,
never mind the ovarian follicles, it's nothing
to be afraid of. Three girls I've had in the past
had it ovarian cancer, I can't say I love her when
I've got all this time to see where it goes. I do
anyway though. Tell her that I love her,
because I don't wait to stray into
the runners racing their hands into
someone's hair, not theirs.
And I then started running too.

The flow gets much better, however there are still some glitches here and there. And I think the previous comment for the other part also applies here. Well defiantly for the first part. It gets a bit clearer after that. I would advise splitting it up into smaller sections, their just too big and complicated at some parts to take in at once. I hope this helps.

Care to crit mine ?: The Road To Awe
#4
you're one of my favorite writers on here. whenever i read a piece from you i genuinely feel like i'm being put in the middle of something or hurled into someone's life.