#1
My first post, so be gentle. Actually, be as criticle as possible. I don't want anyone laying up. And don't be thrown by the symbolism...


My slate has gone overboard
into the deep end
It's never gonna return
It'll never give in
The crew is looking frantic
saying "Someone get him!"
Don't waste your hands on the sea
try to get to land

And when we grow old
the sawblades will fall
When we grow old
We'll get rid of it all

I saw all of her machines
and I'm terrified
Feeling sorry for the screams
of those who tried
(But) at the bottom is a dream
saying "You can survive!"
We are cogs in her machines
We rust and we die

And when we grow old
her sawblades will fall
When we grow old
we'll get rid of it all

My head washed up on the shore
like I knew it would
Doesn't matter what you did
only what you could
And though I am a blind man
I'm here on dry land
That's why the towers will fall
Swallowed by the sand
#2
Id need to hear it in context with the music. Sawblades?
"He can dance if he wants too, he can leave his friends behind..."


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#3
Thanks for the crit. look at it again i just put up a short explanation.

I think this is great especially the ending. I love how eerie it is when you say your head washed up on the shore. in the chorus you might wanna change it to when she grows old for the first line unless its that way for a reason. good piece.
#4
i'm a little confused on the sawblades part, but it has great flow and it's captivating, it's just altogether awesome, i hope you keep writing music!

~Carrik_Caser~
#5
Overall I like it, except for some things thought.

I feel the "I saw all of her machines" weird. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know what it is. o_O

The (but) intrigues me. Is it whispered, spoken... ?

And finally, the sawblades parts. A bit confused about that.
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
My first post, so be gentle. Actually, be as criticle as possible. I don't want anyone laying up. And don't be thrown by the symbolism...


My slate has gone overboard
don't like the passive voice here, I'd prefer "went"
into the deep end
on second thought, since you mention "deep end" I'd go with "jumped" in the first line, links the pool allusion a little more."
It's never gonna return
on third thought, why do you say "slate" above? I'll probably catch on later.
It'll never give in
The crew is looking frantic
saying "Someone get him!"
tense issue here. I think it works better if you change the first line to one of the verbs I mentioned above though. "is looking" is a really weak verb. why do you refer to the "slate" as "him" here but "it" twice above? I'd like some consistency. unless you're on the slate. I dunno.
Don't waste your hands on the sea
try to get to land
pretty cool lines. I think you could do away with "saying" above, btw.

And when we grow old
the sawblades will fall
When we grow old
We'll get rid of it all
I think you're trying too hard to be obscure with "slate" and "sawblades", but this flows well here so it'll do as a chorus (if that's what you're going for) and quite honestly, for a first piece, this is pretty impressive up to this point.

I saw all of her machines
and I'm terrified
okay.
Feeling sorry for the screams
I don't like this rhyme here. the rhyming in the first stanza was much subtler and well-done. it feels overbearing in this one.
of those who tried
(But) at the bottom is a dream
saying "You can survive!"
I like the linking of quotes between the first and second stanzas here, but I still don't like "saying".
We are cogs in her machines
We rust and we die
cool image again, but this stanza all in all seemed disjointed. I think you tried too hard to make it rhyme and forgot about continuity while you did it. my mind just flew through the first stanza and chorus but here I kept getting interrupted when I tried to read through it.

And when we grow old
her sawblades will fall
When we grow old
we'll get rid of it all
true that. like the subtle change of "the" to "her" here.

My head washed up on the shore
like I knew it would
hmm. interesting.
Doesn't matter what you did
only what you could
I think this is pretty worthless in the scope of the song/poem and only exists to rhyme above. don't like it. also it's worded weirdly so I'm not sure what you're saying "doesn't matter though you did only what you could"? "doesn't matter 'cause you did only what you could"? ehh. those don't really make sense with the preceding two lines either. you're either jumping around again or confusing your wording here to make it rhyme, whichever it is I think you should fix it.
And though I am a blind man
I'm here on dry land
why are you blind? that's kind of unexplored from what I've read. now that I think about it, the headless thing came out of nowhere as well. continuity again.
That's why the towers will fall
Swallowed by the sand
what towers?


okay so overall, I thought for a first poem it was really impressive. the main thing I think you need to work on is continuity in your writing. you need to expand more on your ideas, and not just drop three new images in the final stanza as you did here (headless/blindness/towers). I think as an exercise you should try not to rhyme deliberately in your next poem/song and instead focus more on fleshing out your ideas and maintaining a set subject. but as I said above, I'm impressed all things considered, good work.
#7
I like it. It flows very well. I think you could be a little more descriptive. There are some good images that could probably be deepened with a few changes. Overall great first post. If you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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#8
sawblades falling made little sense to me.
i can feel them ripping, chewing, gnawing or if circular even spinning or churning.
having them fall, really put me off.
Meadows
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#9
i thought it was pretty good. i didn't like the chorus at all though and was way thrown off by the falling of them. I also felt the line mentioning how the man was a "blind man" was aliitle out of place and i am not surre about that. i didnt really like the rhyming of land and man. I thought overall it was a pretty good piece though. However the whole rhyming thing isn't my thing as you saw in the one you critted of mine i am more into free verse. thanks for critting mine and look for my knives milk plus and crit that one as well. Thanks Again!
#10
i thought it was pretty good. i didn't like the chorus at all though and was way thrown off by the falling of them. I also felt the line mentioning how the man was a "blind man" was aliitle out of place and i am not surre about that. i didnt really like the rhyming of land and man. I thought overall it was a pretty good piece though. However the whole rhyming thing isn't my thing as you saw in the one you critted of mine i am more into free verse. thanks for critting mine and look for my knives milk plus and crit that one as well. Thanks Again!
#11
i like the under lying rhyme scheme. it doesn't look like it rhymes until you say it? yeah i like that.
#12
I don't understand the sawblades falling, but great flow and the last verse where the "Head washed up on the shore" was very very... interesting to say the least.

Awesome.

EDIT: Stanza... sorry.
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 10, 2008,
#13
Guys, thanks for all the great comments on this. As far as meaning, it's complicated, and I forgot some of it, since it was long ago, but here it goes:

The song began with the title, Sand and Sawblades. It meant to symbolize a thought that no influence can be put on the sand by a saw. You buzz it, slash it, but it does nothing. The slate, meaning foundation, went overboard, meaning a person has adopted this philosophy on life (more on that). His friends say get him, but they can't waste their time on the past or present, but the future (i think).

Essentially, the song meant this: we are the sand, and the world is the sawblade. We just have to shift to every attack from the sawblade. And when we grow old, the sawblades will fall off of their chasis and our problems will be gone.