#1
I want to share this with someone. I didn't know who I could share it with without it coming back to her. So I give it you you. Feel free to comment.

HANGING UP.

As my phone rings, I know that
You wouldnt pick up.
Calling back to see
If you were there anymore...

I hung up before
I got a chance
for you to answer and make me happy
again, like we used to be. Except
you were always angry back then and
that was my fault. I hung up too soon
before you can say hello. Goodbye.

I promise if you call back I will
pick up where we left off. Where do I begin?

Its been over
one hundred days since I shook
your hand and your eyes
greeted with the same appreciation
and uncertainty and
apprehension and arousal. At night
I always call because I miss you
saying hello. My favourite part
was when you didn't yell
You don't really Love Me


Feel free to share your thoughts..
Last edited by TheVeneGuy at May 24, 2008,
#2
Quote by TheVeneGuy
I want to share this with someone. I didn't know who I could share it with without it coming back to her. So I give it you you. Feel free to comment.

im sure theres a backstory there^^^ hehehe. now to the crits.

HANGING UP.

As my phone rings, I know that
You wouldnt pick up.
Calling back to see
If you were there anymore...

good. if not a tad bland. I like the story set up though.

I hung up before
I got a chance
for you to answer and make me happy
again, like we used to be. Except
you were always angry back then and
that was my fault. I hung up too soon
before you can say hello. Goodbye.

Wow. i like it. nice flow, the endings quite nice. If you were planning an alt rock type of sound for this it would work well.

I promise if you call back I will
pick up where we left off. Where do I begin?

Well this is a bit choppy. maybe attach this to the end of the last stanza.

Its been over
one hundred days since I shook
your hand and your eyes
greeted with the same appreciation
and uncertainty and
apprehension and arousal. At night
I always call because I miss you
saying hello. My favourite part
was when you didn't yell
You don't really Love Me

Excellent. It has just the right combination of choppiness and texture to make it original and there are practically no cliches, which is nice. Excellent job, 9/10.




care to crit mine? the links are in my signature.