#1
"Brother, I've never been much of a pacifist"

Because I am not a sheep. Because I am not a goat;
welcome me to the wastelands and learn to love me
dear Mary. Meet me on the moors and bring with you
your great furnace for eyes
and your affectionate nails for arms.

The cock crows on midnight's gale,
to proclaim upon nations to prepare for war.
Pearls slewed and I trembled
at the reflection of the sky's suburban sea;
like a chariot from heaven’s foyer that assails-
why should I love those who’ve done this to me?


Because I chose not to speak of what I’ve seen,
I am a man and one man only. My voice
is an utmost whimper on the sinking planes,
I chose not to speak.

Infantry of dust,
lost content that can’t be tamed;
roams a shattered soul.

Death closes all. Death watches all.

Beneath the clear lakes on cotton vessels, I rust away.
As we sailed towards the river Hades the poets sang along
to the clatters of the uneven souls.
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 28, 2008,
#2
Quote by Bleed Away
"Brother, I've never been much of a pacifist"

Because I am not a sheep. Because I am not a goat;
welcome me to the wastelands and learn to love me
dear Mary. Meet me on the moors and bring with you
your great furnace for eyes
and your affectionate nails for arms.

Loved everything but the last two. I wish you would have just finished the "you..." with something better. I don't understand the last two... I can feel it slipping into your "overly obscure stuff... make it simpler and follow along with the mood you've created... it will make this awesome.

The cock crows on midnight's gale,
to proclaim upon nations to prepare for war.
Pearls slewed and I trembled
at the reflection of the sky's suburban sea;
like a chariot from heaven’s foyer that assails-
why should I love those who’ve done this to me?

Don't get 'pearls.'

Because I chose not to speak of what I’ve seen,
I am a man and one man only. My voice
is an utmost whimper on the sinking Plaines,
I chose not to speak.

Infantry of dust,
lost content that can’t be tamed;
a shattered soul.

Death closes all. Death watches all.

Shattered souls and the "death" idea are both borderline cliche... the soul one bothers me more. And "planes" BTW.


Beneath the clear lakes on cotton vessels, I rust away.
As we sailed towards the river Hades the poets sang along
to the clatters of the uneven souls.

Breathtaking.


My favorite piece from you, and probably top 10 from this board. So much astonishingly original and amazing imagery whilst still making a point. Quite well done. I'll be re-reading this one for quite a while.


Thought this might get wotw... congrats
#3
you're an amazing writer, and so this is.

extremely well done, Fred; it's captivating.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 27, 2008,
#5
I don't remember anything you've written before this ever striking me, and WotW isn't much of an honor anymore since they gave it to that copied-and-pasted MySpace bulletin. So I was surprised when I read this piece; my first thought after reading the first stanza was, "When the hell did this kid get so good?"

Here are some things I suggest you alter:

The cock crows on midnight's gale,
to proclaim upon nations to prepare for war.
Pearls slewed and I trembled
at the reflection of the sky's suburban sea;


I like where this stanza ends up (ie, the two lines I've omitted) but I feel that this stanza's clarity suffers from some clunky phrases. I don't mean the first line, which is satisfactorily stark and unsettling, but more the next three. I don't know if "proclaim upon" is a viable syntactic construction--it didn't resonate well with my reading of it. "Pearls slewed" is too weird, and sounds pretty forced-poetic to me. The word "suburban," meaningful as it is, is entirely out of place in the context of this piece.

an utmost whimper on the sinking Planes,

You seem to be in full command of the words you're choosing, so I'm willing to believe that "an utmost whisper" is wordplay, and not just an off-kilter choice of diction. (When I read "an utmost," I sort of mentally re-arrange it to "at most.") The fact remains that "an utmost whimper" isn't a very coherent phrase construction. Also, why did you choose to capitalize "Planes"?

Infantry of dust,
lost content that can’t be tamed;
roams a shattered soul.


This was the only place I really lost you. Like ZanasCross said, I felt that the "shattered soul" bit was hackneyed, and I just plain got nothing out of the second line. "Lost content?" Quite vague, no?

Beneath the clear lakes on cotton vessels, I rust away.
As we sailed towards the river Hades the poets sang along
to the clatters of the uneven souls.


OK, as wonderfully-written as this is, Hades isn't a river. The five rivers of the Greek underworld are Styx, Lethe, Acheron, Cocytus, and Phlegethon. Read this and decide with which name you'll replace Hades, or leave it as it is and bother me. I don't care.

When all is said and done, this poem is a triumph. You should be proud.
#6
As soon as i read your comment my first thought after reading was, "since when have you ever been so open?!"

Thank you very much for that comment and your suggestions I'll consider your thoughts and soon enough I might start making some more alterations.


Edit: I know Hades isn't a river but i found it relevent.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 30, 2009,