#1
If you're unaware of the meaning, simply ask and I'll explain.

My demise is prophesized
By a past clad in blackest of armor
The kiss of the night sorceress
Hid her promises outlined in betrayal

The lingering cold of a flawed haven
Plauges my heart with despair
The abscent of a winters romance
Births this blackened depseration

Whispers of lies
Promised kingdom's destroyed
The lure of the night sorceress
Brings forth a winters sorrow

Buried, by time and frost
The heat of the summer winds
Portray what I have lost
From the lips of the damned
Words of deadly venom; spewed
Posessing all that was left
And slowly bringing it to it's knees

Eyes of deceit
A heart blacker than night
The lure of the night sorceress
Brings forth a winters sorrow

The internal decay has began
Death is festering within
The chill of a fractured heart
Brings forth a winters sorrow

A tale of a winters romance
Wrote off by the victim of heartbreak
Through flames from the pits of hell
This cold still haunts my soul...
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#3
My demise is prophesized
By a past clad in blackest of armor
The kiss of the night sorceress
Hid her promises outlined in betrayal

The lingering cold of a flawed haven
Plauges my heart with despair
The abscent of a winters romance
Births this blackened depseration

Whispers of lies
Promised kingdom's destroyed
The lure of the night sorceress
Brings forth a winters sorrow

Buried, by time and frost
The heat of the summer winds
Portray what I have lost
From the lips of the damned
Words of deadly venom; spewed
Posessing all that was left
And slowly bringing it to it's knees

Eyes of deceit
A heart blacker than night
The lure of the night sorceress
Brings forth a winters sorrow

The internal decay has began
Death is festering within
The chill of a fractured heart
Brings forth a winters sorrow

A tale of a winters romance
Wrote off by the victim of heartbreak
Through flames from the pits of hell
This cold still haunts my soul...


Normally I like rhyming but not too much, because you always seem to get the impression that someone is just rhyming for the sake of the rhyme and it doesn't connect to the rest, however you pulled it of nicely here. You also have a very nice flow going here and good structure something I sometimes forget in my own pieces. For the rest there isn't much to comment on everything is clear, you have vivid imagery and it isn't cryptical. Maybe you could give it more depth at the cost of losing some imagery.

Overall a very nice piece, maybe not entirely my style but you've pulled it off well. Now all you need is that Led Zeppelin "No Quarter" music and ambiance


Care to crit mine ?: The Road To Awe


P.S: You shouldn't bump your own pieces crit other peoples work to get replies.