#1
i sat at the desk with a typewriter and wrote
pages consisting of insane mystic delving
(words that nobody could understand )
and pretended that i was the spontaneous poet
the rapid angler of earthly moves
writer of swift heartfelt verses and
romantic drunk - the man who lost his
government and found the beggars heart.

i wished that i was back at school
sitting in a classroom with wooden desks
and gask masks and the teacher would
pause
and i would raise my hand and say
"why?" and she would say
"why?"
and i would say "because i don't know
enough"
and the other kids would laugh
but inside i would know that i am going
to rule the world one day and they
are just going to have kids.

i wished that everything i got in return
for my pawned flaws just made me
richer and more corrupt
until i could sit in a hotel room with
the whole city visable through open glass
with huge unusued curtains and
champagne on ice and million dollar bills
littering the floor and i could sleep in the
arms of a stranger who loved me.

and then i'd rise in the middle of the night
and the stranger would stir and look up
and i'd say "who are you?"
and she'd explain
and i'd drape the hotel gown over myself
and slide open the doors to the balcony
and i'd give her one tortured glance
before i climbed the railings
and jumped
and hoped
that i'd know enough to survive.
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 17, 2008,
#2
This has a good feeling as far as pure storyline goes, but transfers somewhat awkwardly to song

i sat at the desk with a typewriter and wrote
pages consisting of insane mystic delving
This line is too long
(words that nobody could understand )
and I pretended that I was the salesman
who walked from door to door
and sold himself and sold everything he
dreamed of one day buying
These two lines can be reorganized to be more fluent. Say something like:
and sold himself and everything
he dreamed of one day buying

i wished that i could sell everything that
constituted any kind of hunger within me.
Too long, and the word 'constituted' isn't something you can rattle off with ease

i wished that i was at school
sitting in a classroom with wooden desks
and gask masks and the teacher would
pause
and i would raise my hand and say
"why?" and she would say
"why?"
and i would say "because i don't know
enough"
The pausing is a little awkward, but if you have a melody, then it's fine
and the other kids would laugh
but inside i would know that i am going
to rule the world one day and they
are just going to have kids.
These four lines are excellent, particularly the last one.
i wished that everything i got in return
for my pawned flaws just made me
richer and more corrupt
Not a huge problem, but when I first read this, I was thrown off. Perspective on dicisions is either made in first person (where he thinks he's right), or in third person (where he knows the reality). I don't think that viewpoint was established early on. At the same time, though, it creates a sort of 'shock value', and could add more emphasis. I say 'could' because I don't know how others would react.
until i could sit in a hotel room with
the whole city visable through open glass
with huge unusued curtains and
champagne on ice and million dollar bills
littering the floor and i could sleep in the
arms of a stranger who loved me.
'in the' really belongs in the line below it, but then it'd be too long. Maybe a change of words completely...

and then i'd rise in the middle of the night
and the stranger would stir and look up
and i'd say "who are you?"
and she'd explain
and i'd drape the hotel gown over myself
and slide open the doors to the balcony
and i'd give her one tortured glance
before i climbed the railings
and jumped
and hoped
that i'd know enough to survive.
Good way to finish. As I said, the problems I saw were with actual melody and not storyline. But with poetry the writer must make set the melody in stone, since it can be read differently. In music, you can convey the melody you want. So you might just have to disregard everything I just said...
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at May 24, 2008,
#5
it is a poem.

i'll be returning to this in a little while.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Wow, I loved this. The ending of the second stanza is brilliant.

The only thing holding this piece back for me is that nagging first stanza. I think I understand what it's trying to say but the words seem to get lost in themselves - I was struck by the salesman analogy but as it grew more complicated I got a bit lost.

I've got to say, though, from the second stanza on this is an amazing piece. Loved the tie-in at the end. Nice work.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#7
well, i've been pacing, trying to collect some good thoughts for you here; i can't really come up with anything. i loved this, and to be quite frank, i'm a little angered by the small amount of comments that this received.
i'll be looking forward to your next.

btw, thank you very much for your comment on mine.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
champagne on ice and million dollar bills
littering the floor and i could sleep in the
arms of a stranger who loved me.


I didn't like the enjambment of any of these two line breaks here.

That's all I got, ya cheeky git. I guess this is a poem, and if it is, by far my favourite of all the poems you've churned out.

EDIT: And that's not just a ****ty crit. I generally really like the piece. Ya cheeky git.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 27, 2008,
#11
eh, reminded me of something I would write in terms of ending and syntax and really overall content and feel (after the first stanza). Don't really know why and maybe I'm lying, shrug, I'm exhausted . The last stanza was pretty cool though.

Regardless, this struck me a couple of ways that I think you could improve upon.
1. I felt like there was too much going on for me, an average reader, to keep in my head at once. And sure, I may be stupid, but with so many images and settings each specific one lost its impact (for me that is).

2. It felt rushed to me and it felt like a free write. This is probably why it reminded me of some of my stuff a little. It didnt seem to be in your control. It appeared as if all you wanted to do was spew out really cool ideas that vaguely connect. In my mind each stanza could be its own piece (almost) and if not there own piece could be deleted from this one to make the central images and ideas more focused upon.

3. I couldnt stand the title . It seemed pretentious that it was singular. Shrug. Probably because it wasnt really about a desk at all, it was about yourself.

4. And get ready because this is something that I'm incredibly guilty of. Your use of the "I" hurts this piece a great amount in my opinion. It shifts the piece from being about someone specific to being about anyone at all. I would be hard pressed to give you a line from this that gives you a specific (and interesting/different) view from the narrator that seperates him from other people. Really, he could be anybody. And though one could argue that that would add to the intrigue of the piece and that aspect really makes the piece relatable I believe it doesnt. I believe all it does is isolate the I and therefore isolate the narrator and therefore put that narrator on a pedestal. This I on the pedestal is not everybody else and is not anything but a diembodied being that appears to know better than the audience what life is about. When I read this (because of the pronoun) I felt like I was being condescended to.

Shrug, solid piece, just a couple things to either keep in mind or completely disregard. If you see something of mine around could you please leave a short comment?

#12
Love it . My only little bits of crit are that the title could fit it oh so much better. It's okay, but next to the piece it's a bit bland. Erm... the flow in the second stanza could be worked on a bit, just to make it easier to read. The pause right next to the repetition of the word 'say' just stops and starts a bit too quickly for my liking. Overall though, lovely, really.

Care to c4c? I know I couldn't say much about this. Mine's much easier to critisize
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=870034
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
thanks for thoughts everyone. i'll let this die now.

jamie, zach, chris, acoustic and kent (?), thanks.

synth. i agree entirely with almost everything you said. i never have enough excitement in a piece to carry it on and actually make it into something better - just write down all the ideas I have and put it up raw. i get bored of things quickly

concerning the title - i wouldn't really title it anything, i would have put "Untitled" but then I would of got about 6 Views.

i'll get to the first of yours i see.