#1
The Meltdown

The sky above is turning black
The hunt is on no coming back
Look to heaven and face your doom
The world's end is coming soon
Hide yourself take cover now
Nuclear war is on its way
Rays that rot your flesh to death
The threat to Earth is finally met

Heat is rising
Melting down
Darkness falling
All around
Take your shelter
say your prayers
World is ending
But who cares

Flying through the atmosphere
People run and scream in fear
Hits the ground unleashing hell
And staining black the rain that fell
Mushroom cloud that looms above
While mother earth was shown no love
Missile launch to cause destruction
Not long till the next attack

Heat is rising
Melting down
Darkness falling
All around
Take your shelter
say your prayers
World is ending
But who cares
#2
Quote by fretboardfury
The Meltdown

The sky above is turning black
The hunt is on, no coming back Put a comma here, to help the flow.
Look to heaven and face your doom
The world's end is coming soon Maybe change to "The end of the world is coming soon, flows more nicely in my opinion
Hide yourself, take cover now Comma again
Nuclear war is on its way This line doesn't seem to fit the rhyme scheme, is a little awkward in an otherwise perfect opening
Rays that rot your flesh to death
The threat to Earth is finally met

Heat is rising
Melting down
Darkness falling
All around
Take your shelter
say your prayers
World is ending Add "the" to the beginning of this line, makes more sense to have it there.
But who cares

Flying through the atmosphere
People run and scream in fear
Hits the ground unleashing hell What hits the ground? Clarify maybe?
And staining black the rain that fell
Mushroom cloud that looms above
While mother earth was shown no love
Missile launch to cause destruction
Not long till the next attack Again another awkward line which disrupts your rhythm and flow

Heat is rising
Melting down
Darkness falling
All around
Take your shelter
say your prayers
World is ending
But who cares


This is a good piece of writing man, well done. The pointers I've put in bold are things that I would change had I written this song/poem because in my opinion they help the piece flow alot more easily and do not interrupt it.

You imagery is very strong and grabs the attention of the reader straight away, which is not as easy to do as many people think. As for your opening verse, I liked it as it set the scene and story well, but I would either change the nuclear war line or get rid of it completely. I don't think it is necessary to say what is going on, the war, as it is quite evident from the rest of the verse.

I love the chorus, there is nothing wrong with it except maybe my bolded comment. Other than that the flow is tight and very rhythmic which creates a sense of urgency when it is being read, which is something that helps this piece seem more realistic, as it instills fear in the rader.

In your third verse, lose the last line and it is perfect. Also clarify what hits the earth. That stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

All in all this is a very impressive piece of work, good job on it man. Is it going to be some kind of metal song? That's the genre I thought it seemed to fit into, maybe doom, not a big fan of the darker end of the metal spectrum but this seems like it would fit in there.

Could you take a look at my latest piece, here's the link: In Between Dreams

Thanks in advance;

-Toby