#1
Yeah this is my third song on UG, and I think I kind of like it the best. Crits please, I'l crit back. [EDIT] I changed some lines (thanks Billyjson)


Do you remember the first day of school? I do.
You walked right up to me and said "Wanna be my friend?"
I said yes but now I know
That was the wrong answer.
Had I been smarter I would have known what I should've done was
backed away to become one of the rest
Become one of the rest.
Just like the others.

But like a traitor you will never find me.
Like the key to your locket I'm always there
But you wouldn't see me.

You never know what you've got til' it's gone
And baby you never knew what you had
You never know what you've got til' it's gone
But baby you're all I ever wanted.

Do you remember yesterday? I do.
I saw you holding hands with him again.
And I said "Oh no, not again." But there you were.
Laughing at his stupid jokes. Like an
alcoholic he was your favorite drink.
A frosty glass of resentment. You'd come
crying to me and I'd comfort you like I always did.

But I felt less like your rehab
And more like your busboy.
Last edited by DanteLord at Jun 1, 2008,
#2
Quote by DanteLord
Yeah this is my third song on UG, and I think I kind of like it the best. Crits please, I'l crit back.


Do you remember the first day of school? I do.
You walked right up to me and said "Wanna be my friend?"
I said yes but now I know
That was the wrong answer.
*
Had I been smarter I would have known what I should've done was
back away to become one of the rest
Become one of the rest.
Just like the others.

(like the set up of the story here, the use of questions and conversation, personaly for me it is a bit long of a verse, i would just add in a guitar/instrument fill where i have starred it)

But like a traitor you will never find me.
Like the key to your locket I'm never there
But you wouldn't see me.
( this doesnt makes sense in my head up to the 'but' bit because there doesnt seem to be a need to write 'but' if the character is never there, i'm still half asleep, so If i read it later i'll probably get it, its a solid pre-chorus, builds up to the chorus)
You never know what you've got til' it's gone
And baby you never knew what you had
You never know what you've got til' it's gone
But baby you're all I ever wanted.

( the first line is a bit cliche, however, I understand its meant to be your hook so i get it and it works well, you can just imagine that being the sing along bit, coupled with the next line its really good in my mind)
Do you remember yesterday? I do.
I saw you holding hands with him again.
And I said "Oh no, not again." But there you were.
Laughing at his stupid jokes. Like an
alcoholic he was your favorite drink.
A frosty glass of resentment. You'd come
crying to me and I'd comfort you like I always did.

(again, really liking the verse, good use of question, I love that, erm like the 'and I said' good simile, but I would suggest replacing favourite drink with an actual drink e.g. like an alcholic and he was your budwiser'. this i think would make it sound more complex, with only a slight change.)

But I felt less like your rehab
And more like your busboy.
(like this bit, good solid ending)

(overall, I like it solid structure, solid, if i had to rate it out of 10 i'd give it an 8)

so yeah. cool
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#3
Thanks! Yeah, I do have an instrument fill there. Im just using a simple picking method for the verse and then a strum for the chorus and bridge. Thanks a lot for the crit though, I'll take a look at any of your stuff.
#4
interesting when you record it let me hear it its really good
Quote by Mad Mike 829
Girl: Thats not that difficult
Teacher: Of course not, I wouldnt star you on something hard
Girl: I wanna see something hard
Me & Freind: Thats what she said!

ended up getting kicked out for disrupting class
#6
Quote by DanteLord
Yeah this is my third song on UG, and I think I kind of like it the best. Crits please, I'l crit back.


Do you remember the first day of school? I do.
You walked right up to me and said "Wanna be my friend?"
I said yes but now I know
That was the wrong answer.
Had I been smarter I would have known what I should've done was
back away to become one of the rest
Become one of the rest.
Just like the others.

This stanza is a bit bland. Become like the others how? How did you and your friend differ from the rest? Also, the repetition towards the end is a bit awkward. Is this about the relationship between two 6-year olds? Because as far I'm concerned, you don't ask people if they wanna become their friends past the age of 7. No offence meant, it just feels incredibly childish.

But like a traitor you will never find me.
Like the key to your locket I'm never there
But you wouldn't see me.

It might just be me, but it is commonly known that traitors never find people? I don't think so. It feels like that line really doesn't mean anything and is terribly forced. The "but" in the last line didn't make any sense either since you not being there doesn't really make it easier for your old friend to find you, so the "but" feels terribly out of place.

You never know what you've got til' it's gone
And baby you never knew what you had
You never know what you've got til' it's gone
But baby you're all I ever wanted.

Three out of four lines here are terribly cliched. Seriously, don't use "you never know what you've got til it's gone". We've all heard it before, and you saying it wont make it any more special at all (no offence). And I'm not a fan of the last line because it is (just like line 1 & 3) incredibly overused. I see some potential in the second line, if it could be in the same context as some other, more interesting lines.

Do you remember yesterday? I do.
I saw you holding hands with him again.
And I said "Oh no, not again." But there you were.
Laughing at his stupid jokes. Like an
alcoholic he was your favorite drink.
A frosty glass of resentment. You'd come
crying to me and I'd comfort you like I always did.

Here's a stanza that does have some potential, but there are still major problems. Who is he? How did he get into the picture? What do you mean "again"? We've never heard of this guy before. Once again, the holding hands-thing makes this seem like it's about two 6-year olds, no offence. I like the "a frosty glass of resentment" when you connect it to alcohol, but I wasn't very pleased with the wording. What do you mean "Like an alcoholic he was your favorite drink?" You have said "like a cocktail, he was your favourite drink". The way you word it now it sounds like your girlfriend is drinking alcoholics.

But I felt less like your rehab
And more like your busboy.

To be honest, this is a bit so-so. Would you like to be her rehab? Because it doesn't sound that good. Being someone's rehabs means she'll come to you and then leave you when everything is over. It doesn't seem like a good thing to be, so the metaphore is a bit weak.


All in all I wasn't to fond of it. I mean, I'm guessing you're a beginner and I shouldn't expect to see masterpieces coming from you. All this is just advice and critisism. I hope you don't take it personally.

Thanks for the crit.
#7
reply to EuropeanSon:

Thanks for the crit. I see what you're saying, and I agree the "chorus" part is using cliche words, but I meant it to be that way. I was hoping I was putting a new twist on old words.
And as for the "childish" notion of the whole piece, yeah, it does seem that way. But the person I had in mind when I wrote it is that kind of person, and I'm only in high school, it's not that uncommon. as for your last crit, yeah, i agree. I didn't realize the idea of rehab being a use-it-then-lose-it idea. Well, I knew it, but it wasn't exactly what I was shooting for. I was mainly pointing out the difference between being someone that heals you versus someone that cleans up your mess.
But thanks for the crit, I appreciate it and I'll keep it in mind.
#8
"Like an
alcoholic he was your favorite drink.
A frosty glass of resentment. You'd come
crying to me and I'd comfort you like I always did.

But I felt less like your rehab
And more like your busboy."

The whole thing was pretty decent, but those last few lines were excellent

The second stanza (or whatever you want to call it) Didn't exactly make sense to me.
"But like a traitor you will never find me.
Like the key to your locket I'm never there
But you wouldn't see me."

The last line really interrupted the flow and seemed kind of redundant.


Other than that it was pretty good
Keep it up =)
Last edited by adamacoustic at Jun 1, 2008,
#9
Quote by DanteLord
Yeah this is my third song on UG, and I think I kind of like it the best. Crits please, I'l crit back.


Do you remember the first day of school? I do.
This line reminds me of Jack Johnson's Do you Remember
You walked right up to me and said "Wanna be my friend?"
I said yes but now I know
Great line, yes/know work well together because it sounds like yes/no.
That was the wrong answer.
Had I been smarter I would have known what I should've done was
back away to become one of the rest should be 'backed'
Become one of the rest.
Just like the others.

Solid first verse but the last two lines seem very redundant.

But like a traitor you will never find me.
Like the key to your locket I'm never there
But you wouldn't see me.

I think this would sound better and make more sense if you said 'I'm always there' instead.


You never know what you've got til' it's gone
And baby you never knew what you had
You never know what you've got til' it's gone
But baby you're all I ever wanted.

Do you remember yesterday? I do.
I saw you holding hands with him again.
And I said "Oh no, not again." But there you were.
Laughing at his stupid jokes. Like an
alcoholic he was your favorite drink.
A frosty glass of resentment. You'd come
crying to me and I'd comfort you like I always did.

I like this verse alot, particularly the frosty glass of resentment line.

But I felt less like your rehab
And more like your busboy.



The feeling and events conveyed here are definitely ones most people can relate to, and that adds a good deal itself to the song. There are a few little corrections which need to be made but all and all good job.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Yeah thanks Billyjson. By the way, the two things you noted (backed away instead of back away and im always there instead of im never there) are great, I think im gonna change those lines. Thanks a bunch!


and I love Jack Johnson.
Last edited by DanteLord at Jun 1, 2008,