#1
"Oh, why won't our cannons move!"
Battle field scattered with little boys shoes
Wrinkling the cotton of a country's ironed collar

Drive the sedan into the quarry
Films are scored with hunting horns exhausting glory
Pledges to the father land often hollered

A foreign fight had squeezed his valves, cutting off the blood
Littered with shrapnel schards
Grandpa had a purple heart
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
Maybe i've forgotten my thinking cap (who?) but it was a little cryptic for me. It reminded me of a Grandad telling stories to his grandchildren about the war or something of that nature, even before the last line. Maybe that's not what you had in mind, but as I can't really solidate any fixed interpretation it's difficult for me to really get anything out of this.

It read quite beautifully, though.
#3
last stanza is beautiful.

Alex, maybe you don't know but in America, soldiers wounded in battle are awarded a Purple Heart medal in honor of their service (if you do know that, then sorry if I sound arrogant ).

I was a little thrown off by the middle stanza but this was pretty solid as far as writing goes. Most people who write about subjects like this don't get it o sit quite right but this was nice.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Thank you. Leave links for return crits.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
Nah, didn't know about the Purple Heart thing, makes quite a bit more sense now though. It's a strong piece man.

One of mine (desk) is floating around the first page if you get a sec, freshtunes. Just a sentence would do.
#6
Knowing the purple heart reference (as I do only now) makes this piece all the more stronger.

Sharp voice but I personally would think punctuation would help you keep control more of the reader, and improve the pice in my eyes. I didn't like all the running-on that happened here.

Good stuf, Nick. Liked more than your previous.
#7
Quote by freshtunes
"Oh, why won't our cannons move!"
Battle field scattered with little boys shoes I really like this line, I read it as if the story teller was criticising how young some of these soldiers were.
Wrinkling the cotton of a country's ironed collar Another great line. Almost as if the the wasted life of the young is ruining the country

Drive the sedan into the quarry
Films are scored with hunting horns exhausting glory
Pledges to the father land often hollered Not as fond of this stanza, could do with some punctuation in it to help it read more easily, unless you were going for an effect with the enjambment.

A foreign fight had squeezed his valves, cutting off the blood
Littered with shrapnel schards
Grandpa had a purple heart This is the strongest stanza in my opinion. It evokes a sense of emotion in the reader and is a change of focus from the person telling the story in the 1st stanza, to someone teling a story about him, their grandfather.


I really enjoyed reading this piece, though as the above poster said some punctuation could really help this along in the readers' eyes.

I'd appreciate it if you could take a quick look at my latest piece and let me know what you think of it. Here's the link:In Between Dreams

Thanks in advance;

-Toby
#8
Oh, why won't our cannons move!"this line seems a bit unessarry.
Battle field scattered with little boys shoesintresting
Wrinkling the cotton of a country's ironed collari like this line. cool symbolism

Drive the sedan into the quarry
Films are scored with hunting horns exhausting glory
Pledges to the father land often hollered
mm the first line doesnt quite make sence. it doesnt really connect tot eh bottom line. you could make a connection but it is tenuous and you'd have to assume things, and i dont like to assume. it makes an ass out of u and me

A foreign fight had squeezed his valves, cutting off the bloodsolid
Littered with shrapnel schards
Grandpa had a purple heart
as a whole i like the last stanza.. i woudlnt change anything.

over all not bad... crit one of mine?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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