#1
Jut wondering what you think. There for our newest song, just wanna see if you have any improvements or anything

Verse

Now he's gone and thrown it all away,
doesn't give a damn what anyones got to say,
he is Mr unremarkable,
just an average kinda guy, nothing very special

Chorus

He doesn't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
But Mr Unremarkable
Don't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
Hes Mr Unremarkable


Verse

He doesn't think, he doesn't think to stay,
He doesn't care *shout* HEY HEY HEY HEY
Guess this is it, the end of an era,
So now he runs to stop failure coming nearer


Chorus

He doesn't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
But Mr Unremarkable
Don't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
Hes Mr Unremarkable
hello
#2
Verse

Now he's gone and thrown it all away,
doesn't give a damn what anyones got to say,
he is Mr unremarkable,
just an average kinda guy, nothing very special


Don't like the way you start the verse with "Now". My reason for this is that the word now makes it seem as if this verse is following on from another, not beginning the song. Otherwise it's a decent opening verse. You've kept it simple and I really like the last line, sets up the idea of the song well and embodies the spirit of the song too. I'd maybe add "He's" in the first line after "and" to keep the syllable count closer to that of the second line.

Chorus

He doesn't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
But Mr Unremarkable
Don't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
Hes Mr Unremarkable


I'm not too fond of this chorus. There doesn't seem to be a good enough flow for me to see it as a chorus, also after the 3rd line, you should have a full stop instead of a comma and make "But...don't care" into a seprate sentence rather than a continuation, to make the point more obvious. Also maybe use the word "But" at the start of the last line, just something I think could improve it as it would mirror the line earlier in the chorus.

Verse

He doesn't think, he doesn't think to stay,
He doesn't care *shout* HEY HEY HEY HEY
Guess this is it, the end of an era,
So now he runs to stop failure coming nearer


Another strong verse which helps you recover from the chorus. It's simple and to the point, much like the first verse. I really liked the line "Guess this it, the end of an era", nice use of punctuation in it and it's also a very snappy, quick line the way I was reading it. Good use of repetition in the first line too, I always enjoy when people use that technique to good effect. Only thing I'd change about it it get rid of "so" from the last line and also add a comma after "runs".

Chorus

He doesn't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
But Mr Unremarkable
Don't care,
He's not all there,
Well he should care,
Hes Mr Unremarkable


Same as my views on the other chorus.

Apart from the chorus, I thought this was a really enjoyable piece. I can see it working well as a blink-182 pop-punkish kinda song. The verses were simple but strong so really good job on them.

Could you take a look at my latest piece? Here's the link: In Between Dreams

Thanks in advance;

-Toby