#1
C4C as usual

One of these nights
I’m going to catch up to you
Hold a rose for you to taste
Wear a dress to make you smile
I know that you can travel the atmosphere
But stay with me when the worlds collide
as all other clouds escape my grasp

Years from now we’ll be standing still
Here, all my hopes are written down
All the leaves turn so brown
My shadow sigh’s, still dissatisfied
My heart is hurting but why should I care
I’m just the dog-eared page
my page is creased, that is all
standing out by the wrinkle in my shirt
but i am nothing with out my everything
Behind a masquerade of color
I am just another
Locked behind bars of cardboard
I am just another
read me together
and i am

you are my one fantastic measure
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Jul 31, 2008,
#2
This was pretty nice. I particullarly liked the first stanza, as it set the mood. I don't really get the last 3 lines of the 2nd stanza, but that's ok, because abstact can be a great thing. I liked the imagery in that stanza as well. However, I feel like the word page is redundant.

This is overall a pretty solid piece you have here. Good work.


Would mind looking at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14422189#post14422189
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Do you folks like folk?
#3
mm yea i kno page is kinda redundent.. but i was kinda stuck in a clincher caz there really wasnt a word i could use for page lol. and the last 3 lines i was trying to just say that by my self i am nothing but with you i am.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
Thanks for the crit.
I like this, it's an original take on something. The language is pretty colorful all over the place. Good imagery and metaphors.

My only problem with it is that the last stanza reminds me of an Eve 6 song lol


Love the Low end
#5
One of these nights
I’m going to catch up to you
Hold a rose for you to smell
there was much i disliked about this line.
words wasted on placement and justification for action.
but little imagery. i'd rather you present the rose to her nose
or use a word like fragrance in the process.
smell is just too general.
one can smell garbage.

Wear a dress to make you smile
I know that you can travel the atmosphere
I know that seems unnecessary.
But stay with me when the worlds collide
when all other clouds escape my grasp
repeating when weakens this. as would work to replace one of them.

Years from now we’ll be standing still
Here, where all my hopes go down
feels like an opportunity to introduce the "book" theme was missed.
perhaps your hopes could be written down.

All the leaves turn so brown
My shadow sigh’s, still dissatisfied
My heart is hurting but why should I care
I’m just the dog-eared page
my page is creased, that is all
standing out by the wrinkle in my shirt
but i am nothing with out my everything
Behind a masquerade of color
I am just another
Locked behind bars of cardboard
I am just another
read me together
and i am

you are my one fantastic measure
i really don't know what you're saying with this line.
i will swallow my pride
it leaves me empty inside
what a beautiful oblivion
i absolutely hate the last line.
what a overstates this.
Meadows
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#6
mm wow nice.. thanks a lot someone one.. those are great idea's i'll edit it thanks a lot guys
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")