#1
I Don’t Know What We’re Talking About

Chorus:

I don’t know, what we’re talking about!
We don’t know, what we’re talking about!

Verse:

We are standing, in our rooms,
we talk of life’s flowers, and how they bloom,
we talk of the sacredness, of the womb,
but we are blind, and we just assume.

We are sitting, in our chairs,
we use big words, we use strong swears,
we use our hands, and we waste the air,
then we complain, about how life’s not fair.

We are living, on the street,
Discussing liberty, and the people we meet,
Converging on intellect, and the Holy seat,
We don’t see, that life is sweet.

We live our lives, thinking ‘bout the past,
we don’t see, how its getting overcast,
it starts to rain, and the thunder blasts,
our worlds are small, but the world is vast.


Crits are great, I'll return the favor.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#2
At first i really didn't like this, but when i read it again, i really liked what it had to say. Mirrored a lot of thoughts that I have, just conveyed them in a simpler way. verses 2, 3, and 4 are absolutely stellar. Not a fan of the chorus though.

Crit one of mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=865003
#3
we use big words, we use strong swears,


I think this line really doesn't flow, its just kinda forcing the rhyme IMO.

Altogether i find too much rhyme a bad thing.
Last edited by ooder the cow at May 25, 2008,
#4
Quote by ooder the cow
Dude seriously.

Other than that, i find too much rhyme a bad thing.


Thanks. Im serious actually, I appreciate negitive feedback more than positive feedback.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#5
Quote by mastercad
I Don’t Know What We’re Talking About

Chorus:

I don’t know, what we’re talking about!
We don’t know, what we’re talking about!

I really don't like this chorus, it's a little immature in my opinion, doesn't really fit in well with the rest of the song, at least I don't think it does.

Verse:

We are standing, in our rooms,
we talk of life’s flowers, and how they bloom,
we talk of the sacredness, of the womb,
but we are blind, and we just assume.

The "but" on the last line ruins the flow of the stanza. You have repetition running throughout which works very well but having "but" there loses the fluidity. I like how you keep a message running through the stanza about the beginning of new life, with very nice imagery in the second line.

We are sitting, in our chairs,
we use big words, we use strong swears,
we use our hands, and we waste the air,
then we complain, about how life’s not fair.

I don't like the second line much in this stanza. The beginning of it is ok, but maybe you should try and write a better ending to it than "we use strong swears" in order to put across your point. Also the third line doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I really like the continuation of the rhyme scheme and repetition from the first verse, good job.

We are living, on the street,
Discussing liberty, and the people we meet,
Converging on intellect, and the Holy seat,
We don’t see, that life is sweet.

I would change the second line to "Discussing liberty with (the) people we meet" because the "and the" seems to awkward and doesn't sit well with the rest of the verse. I like the way you have got the same sort of theme in the last line of this verse as you had in the last line of the previous verse.

We live our lives, thinking ‘bout the past,
we don’t see, how its getting overcast,
it starts to rain, and the thunder blasts,
our worlds are small, but the world is vast.

This is my favourite verse by far. The imagery in here is miles ahead of the imagery in your other verses and the break from repetition in the final two lines doesn't harm it in any way. The final line is brilliant, great job pal.

Crits are great, I'll return the favor.


All in all, I really enjoyed reading this piece. Maybe look at working on some of the things I pointed out and you have a very good song on your hands here, very good job. Could you return the crit on my latest piece? Here's the link: In Between Dreams

Thanks in advance;

-Toby
#6
thanks
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#7
thanks. i commented yours.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#9
Quote by restless_thrash
I'm gonna have to agree with JakdonCrack.

Verses 2,3, and 4 are well written and very clever. The require a level of thought to reach the deeper levels.
I also like the soul put into it. Good Job!


thanks man.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#10
bump
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?