#1
Leading a virus infected disease
Put the trigger on a fellow soldier
Cold hearts dressed in the black blood
Only my ashes will remind in execution
The chaos theory of an artificial government
Control or power absorbs greed
As the millions of bodies lay to tranquility
Rapid packs of rats have lead feast
All on the arrangement of the war headed beast
Excepted strike on home base
Advanced strategy have got to ravage
A mushroom bomb is what we taste

Leading the virus toward you...


This was for my Tech Death Metal band and wanted to see if was any good?


The song is about a nationalist country that feeds upon war and destruction..
Last edited by Graveworm at May 25, 2008,
#3
Quote by restless_thrash
seems a little too wordy. Kind of a poem. a little revision and simpler lines would go a long way.



???


You don't understand the words? or you want me to use them in simpler texts, so you can understand them?


I don't know what you mean?
#5
I like smart lyrics in metal songs. It's more sophisticated.

A little cliche topic wise, but it's well written, so good job!
CALIBRATE THE VIRUS


lolwut?
#7
Alright, what I meant was... its not too wordy, its too choppy. It is very possible to use intelligent and larger vocabulary well and create a decent flow. You didn't, thus it reads a bit like dictionary sludge because it feels so viscous. I can see where he gets wordy, because that is technically the "problem" but it doesn't mean you need to dumb it down, just that you need to be more careful with how you use them within the piece and be more constructive.

As a whole, the piece is a bit forgettable. Nothing really stands out, and it doesn't have a nice enough flow nad bounce to make that aspect awesome. All in all, its not very original. the piece is full of cliche ideas, which means the technique needed to be spectacular... but sadly it falls a bit short.

Sorry to be so negative, just trying to help.
-zC

EDIT: if you could, I'd like some comments on ointment in my sig