#1
Here's one of the ones I wrote for my band, Thornwood.(we're rock/alternative)

"Bunched up in the corner is a hidden part of me
Pushed down,‭ ‬under clothes and impossible to see
Buried underneath to try and hide the pain
But every night it comes back,‭ ‬always the same...

Everywhere I look I see a different part of me
I sit there,‭ ‬wishing it would come to be
You look into my eyes,‭ ‬I don't know what you see
But I'm still alone,‭ ‬I'm still alone

If I need you will you come around‭?
Or will you send me spiraling to the ground
If you need me,‭ ‬rest assure I'll be there,
This pain is almost more than I can bear

Everywhere I look I see a different part of me
I sit there,‭ ‬wishing it would come to be
You look into my eyes,‭ ‬I don't know what you see
But I'm still alone,‭ ‬I'm still alone

And when you're gone,‭ ‬I know it's true
And you think It's from out of the blue
It seems like you never knew me
And it seems like you'll never let me be.

Everywhere I look I see a different part of me
I sit there,‭ ‬wishing it would come to be
You look into my eyes,‭ ‬I don't know what you see
But I'm still alone,‭ ‬I'm still alone "
~Gigantic Underøath fan~
Quote by Jammin'
you've been playing for 7 to 8 EIGHTS?

Also check out my band Smiles In Sickness
#3
Lol.. I gues I'm a poet, and didn't even know it. frick, sorry.
~Gigantic Underøath fan~
Quote by Jammin'
you've been playing for 7 to 8 EIGHTS?

Also check out my band Smiles In Sickness
#4
don't get rid of the rhyming. rhyming in lyrics is totally fine. but what you do need to fix is the fact that it's un-original. i mean i could tell what was coming next before i read it. you don't have to change the whole topic, but use imagery and just try to hide the meaning a little better. you know what i'm saying?
#5
Using rhyming has the impact of unimaginary voicings because of how difficult rhyming effectively can be. I wouldn't suggest removing rhyming from all works at all, but with this piece, it doesn't hold any credence. In fact it probably takes away from the overal experience.
Ryhming is just one of the many ways you can depict an image or scenario. Aliteration, onomatapei (or however you spell it) similes, vulgar langauge, self created words, all create different ways to evoke feelings and "hide the meaning" like the guy above suggested. If you really delve into poetry, you'll find rhyming is just a simple way to help remind you of what the poet is saying and how he wants you to feel. I avoid rhyming because I can't do it very well and I find it a little bit deriative, unless its used properly. But I think I'm being really negative and pratt-like there!
#6
Okay, I'll keep both of those in mind for the next ones coming!
Thanks again!
~Gigantic Underøath fan~
Quote by Jammin'
you've been playing for 7 to 8 EIGHTS?

Also check out my band Smiles In Sickness