#1
The discordant echo of birdsong
Awoke me from my rest
As the light of morning
Danced upon the window sill,
Another day beckoned with her embrace

The hands pass, their revolution all too swift
The sun streaks across the sky, summoning the moon
Time has left my morning withered
The birds no longer sing their song

They have passed,
They have gone
Time has passed,
It is gone

The harmonious fading of birdsong
Lays me down to rest
As the shade of night
Dances upon the still grave
Another day has closed her embrace.


I hope you enjoy it. Crit for crit of course.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?
Last edited by BringMeTheCalm at May 25, 2008,
#2
The first time reading it I passed it off as just a good song, but the second time through I caught a profound meaning to it, and I have to say it is indeed emotionally stirring. Beautifully written, Calm. I enjoyed it.


#3
Thanks. I think these will be the lyrics that I put some music too.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?
#4
The discordant echo of birdsong
Awoke me from my rest
As the light of morning
Danced upon the window sill,
Another day beckoned with her embrace

overall solid stanza, what kind of threw me off was "rest" in the second line. it just doesnt sound right to me for some reason. i think you could do better then rest tho.

The hands pass, their revolution all too swift
The sun streaks across the sky, summoning the moon
Time has left my morning withered
The birds no longer sing their song

mmm i felt as though the mood shifted way to fast. and the style of writting is totally diffrent from the previous stanza. iono.. just kinda threw me off. i dont see anything flagrant but i'd advise some revision.

They have passed,
They have gone
Time has passed,
It is gone

meh filler. but songs need stanza's like this i suppose

The harmonious fading of birdsong
Lays me down to rest
As the shade of night
Dances upon the still grave
Another day has closed her embrace.

mm you need a transition before this. it's very sudden that you shift fromt he birds being there and not bein there. very... abrupt. good clostion tho. i like it. very good closing dont chage it

Overall i dont know if you would want my opinion because i write more poetry then lyrics. they are fundamentally the same but there are just a diffrent set of rules that i play by when writting poetry then lyrics, imo. Good luck.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
I see this as a progressive death metal song...


Except for the meter, it's very good. But I would take out a word here or there, and substitute a word to one with a different number of syllables to help it flow.
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#7
me<-needs help: I was thinking about using "sleep" instead of rest, but for some reason I settled on "rest"

There will probably be an instrumental break between the first two stanzas so, the mood shift won't seem so sudden.

Phill: I was thinking more along the lines of Folk Metal, but I'll probably end up including some progressive death elements anyway.

Merk: I dunno, just that passage of time, moments passing and such


Thanks for the feedback, guys.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?
#8
Quote by BringMeTheCalm
Phill: I was thinking more along the lines of Folk Metal, but I'll probably end up including some progressive death elements anyway.

I also thought it would be good as folk metal with harsh vocals.

I'm not sure if it would work all sung in clean vocals, because I don't know what singing style you have.
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Quote by webbtje
Quote by dead-fish
And you're obviously here because you fancy Phill.
Phill is a very attractive guy...

"I'm so tempted to sig that, Phill" - Sig it then

Unless otherwise stated, assume everything I say is in my opinion.
#9
Well I intended to do mainly harsh vocals with maybe some cleans. I kind of sound like John Haughm, but I can alter my style if it suites the music.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?
#10
I really liked it. I think "rest" fit good in there, too. I also really, really liked how you ended it. I guess this is more of a comment, than a critique, so if you'd like to comment on mine, it'd be much appreciated: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=868785
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
Who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
You fixed yourself, you said, "Well, never mind,
We are ugly, but we have the music."
#11
Quote by BringMeTheCalm
Well I intended to do mainly harsh vocals with maybe some cleans. I kind of sound like John Haughm, but I can alter my style if it suites the music.

No, his voice would be perfect.

And if you naturally sound like him, you should sing it that way.
Metal Forum Popular Vote Winner!!!

Quote by webbtje
Quote by dead-fish
And you're obviously here because you fancy Phill.
Phill is a very attractive guy...

"I'm so tempted to sig that, Phill" - Sig it then

Unless otherwise stated, assume everything I say is in my opinion.
#12
Well yeah, but I've yet to arrange any music for it yet, so I don't really know how the vocals will sound.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?