#1
Hey! These are some new lyrics I wrote. If you like these, also check out Infected. I'm planning on recording both.

Anyway, C4C if you want.

---

Verse 1
Lightning pierces the sky
As my words shoot through your mind
You always fail but never try
I've had it with all of your kind

Chorus
Your words are against you whenever you lie
You're bound to your actions till the day you die
You end all your days with a hope and a sigh
Your soul is depleted, your power is mine...

Verse 2
Trace the world back to its source
Let disaster run its course
Wallowing in your remorse
You cannot overthrow my force

Chorus
Your words are against you whenever you lie
You're bound to your actions till the day you die
You end all your days with a hope and a sigh
Your soul is depleted, your power is mine...

Verse 3
There's nothing to fear,
There's no one to blame,
There's nobody here
To share in your shame.
I've taken your power,
I've taken your soul,
It's your final hour,
I've accomplished my goal.

(guitar intermission)

Verse 4
Watching these events unfold
Your humble body has gone cold
Come the day when all is told
Your world is in a fatal hold

Chorus
Your words are against you whenever you lie
You're bound to your actions till the day you die
You end all your days with a hope and a sigh
Your soul is depleted, your power is mine...

---

What do you think? (btw, if verse 3 looks like it breaks the flow, don't worry about it, I have a flow in my head. )
#2
Quote by -Blue-

Verse 1
Lightning pierces the sky
As my words shoot through your mind
Great combination of images here.
You always fail but never try
I've had it with all of your kind

Good first stanza.

Chorus
Your words are against you whenever you lie
You're bound to your actions till the day you die
You end all your days with a hope and a sigh
Your soul is depleted, your power is mine...
Good.

Verse 2
Trace the world back to its source
Let disaster run its course
Wallowing in your remorse
You cannot overthrow my force

The rhymes seem very forced here.

Chorus
Your words are against you whenever you lie
You're bound to your actions till the day you die
You end all your days with a hope and a sigh
Your soul is depleted, your power is mine...

Verse 3
There's nothing to fear,
There's no one to blame,
There's nobody here
To share in your shame.
I've taken your power,
I've taken your soul,
It's your final hour,
I've accomplished my goal.

This is my favorite verse, it flows from rhyme to rhyme effortlessly.

(guitar intermission)

Verse 4
Watching these events unfold
Your humble body has gone cold
Come the day when all is told
Your world is in a fatal hold

This is one AAAA rhyme scheme that doesn't seem forced, good job.

Chorus
Your words are against you whenever you lie
You're bound to your actions till the day you die
You end all your days with a hope and a sigh
Your soul is depleted, your power is mine...


This has a lot of potential to be a good song depending on how you play it. Fun rhymes which flow well most of the time. The only thing I don't like is verse 2. I think it would be a lot better if you went back to ABAB for that one, or just changed how you did the AAAA. Overall good job.

Crit mine?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Emmm its good but verse 2 needs some work
but i prefer infected

But tell me when you record them i want to hear them
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#6
Hi -Blue-

mr maggot really shouldn't have bumped these threads.
they're not terribly old, but old enough that it is a bit questionable.
especially your other one. that has tons of replies.
i think you shouldn't have bumped that one again.
it takes space away from the kids who have current pieces up
and pushes them off the front page.
i'll ask a mod to close that one, and leave this open for now.

you should visit the threads of those who actually gave you crits
and respond in kind to any pieces they have that are current.
comments are one thing, but if someone takes the time to do a crit,
you owe a crit (more than a passing comment) for each you receive.
if not on their work, at least on somebody else's piece when they aren't getting much help.
you're a little behind on that, but i'm sure you'll address that soon.

cheers,
SYK
Meadows
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