#1
I brought in my father's old loafers to a shoemaker from Beirut who lived
down the street from me named Imu.
"Hey Imu."
"You got your hair cut?"
"Yeah."
"I don't really like it."
Imu had alopecia, so it was just hair envy.
"Could you do something with these shoes? The soles are kind of coming loose."
"Yeah, I'll fix them."
I put the box on the table.
An old, dusty baige box.
"These are nice. These are 1,200 dollar shoes. They yours?"
"No, they're my father's."
"He gave them to you?"
"Well, I took them. He's dead."
Imu took his glasses off.
"Mike Cornett? Dead? When did this happen?"
"About two hours ago."

The shoes were ready that afternoon.
I picked them up, cashed my Government "shut up" check then drove to North Carolina to go camping with a girl who invited me online.
A girl I don't even know.
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at May 26, 2008,
#2
I didn't know what to make of this, really.

I think my main problem is that it was begging for a middle stanza to link up the two you already have. Or it did for me, anyway. Right now, it's on the brink of making me feel something, but without that little bit of cohesion it feels a little empty to me.

The first stanza was done quite well. Your usual lick of controversy/whatever with "hair-envy". On first red I wanted to think there was something behind the name being like "I'm you" but I felt that was clutching at straws. It's "beige", by the way. Your dialogue was very well done, my favourite part of the piece and your writing usually.

The in-between bits I mentioned; The online girl is introduced too suddenly in my opinion; the "shut up cheque" part felt too abstract with little concrete to sew it in to the main meaning, and also I feel that part read more like you eighteen months ago. I feel you can be a little more subtle than that.

So, yeah. In parts I felt this was a really cool, solid read, but as a whole piece I couldn't help but feel robbed because I just didn't take much from the ending. Maybe just me, maybe not.

Them's me thoughts. If you could get back at all, I'd appreciate it. Top link in my sig if you could.
#5
Your pieces always have an element that kind of leaves me hanging, like there's so much more to think about.

I love it.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.