#1
You look out your front door
And the clouds are on fire
The grounds full of smoke
Through the haze in your mind you begin to realize
That hell old and alone

All hells fury is going to make you pay
What you did to your family is too criminal to say

You see the devil in the bottle
But you drink it any way
You’re family’s leaned to live with out you
And the people you call friends
You’ll all share the same grave

All hells fury is going to make you pay
What you did to your family is too criminal to say

Pick up your phone
Hear the demons hiss in your ear
Rant, scream, yell
Tell ‘em how you really feel
Take it all on the child he might as well be to blame

All hells fury is going to make you pay
What you did to your family is too criminal to say

this is just how are I've come along with it so far. thought I'd try to get some opinions on it.
#2
All hell is furry? Like a cat? Lols.

That hell old and alone


That sounded very awkward and din't make too much sense.

You have far too many pronouns for it not to be tedious. Try and show and not tell some of the time; instead of you did this, you did that etc, use some decent images to convey what you mean. The second verse is where this stood out most for me.

"rant scream yell" seemed a bit angsty for me. But maybe it fits your song, who knows.

You've got a pretty good rhythm, so this should work well as a song. Lyrics alone though I'd say they are fairly bland in places, but this should be eradicated if you continue to write.

If you could, I have something new in the top link of my sig? Many thanks if you could.
#3
hey thanks. I made the second and third verse more quickly and I haven't realy edited them much yet. I'll check out your write as well thanks again