#1
Ah. That’s quite a problem. A puzzler,
a brain-twister, mind-bender. You;

a pub quiz; the smartest team will be
over-qualified. Trophy goes to
those who knows the buzzwords.
Those who use senseless rhetorics.
Those who drop vowels in conversation.

“I owe you” is printed on t-shirts
and on Father’s day mugs. Catchphrase.
You’ll always owe me because I’m the bank;
crossing me gets no reward, and you know it
and you flaunt it because I’m soft.

I listen to you now only for the adverts.
Where to eat, where to shop, when to fuck.
The faintest hint of a phoney linguistic trick
and I’m sold to the idea. I can take hints.

You’re number one and therefore you have
pulling power. I’ll pave the way for your success.
I’ll lay down the red carpet and provide the crab-cakes,
the volovaunts, the champagne. I can raise you from the
rubble to the ritz, or throw you back the other way.
Flash-man takes the pic and your smile becomes a hit
and a million lifeless faces begin to want a bit.
You love it when some clever dick has found your number
and wants to have a chit. Just admit, you love it when
I’m the one who begs to quit.

Ah. The problem. I'm the one who lays down the carpet.
I am the carpet, fraying. Your heels wear down on the
cold pavement. I see it in every tabloid paper and I laugh.
You’re getting shorter by the day, if that matters to you.

Fatter, too.


C4C. Again, quite deliberate for me.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 26, 2008,
#2
"those who knows the buzzwords"

know?

I loved the drop vowels in conversation thing

Sometimes in your pieces i kind of know what's coming. Maybe that's because I've read you alot over the last year or so, but I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Example: I had a sense that "****" was going to make an appearence here someplace as soon as you started addressing the reader as "you". Erm, take what you want from that.

I thought the rhyming was pulled off well, if not a little excessive. Again, i'm confused as to whether you WANTED it to seem a little overdone - perhaps. I liked it, but I don't know if more... serious (that's not really the word).. more uptight, maybe, critics on here would go for the kind of, childishness.. (i can't speak today) of the sudden and excessive rhyming. Anyway, i liked it.

"lays donw the carpet".. 'nother typo

absolutely loved the ending, one of my favourite endings in a while. Fit the mood of the piece totally, absolutely nailed it.

Er, generally, it's very "you", isn't it. I kind of sit somewhere between liked and loved.

if you could get to my latest one?
#3
Where to eat, where to shop, when to ****.

that stood out to me. I like it seems kind or random to me but maybe that just me. it works well though.
#4
so i just read this one twice..... the first thing that popped out at me, and i read through twice partially to see if this opinion would ring true at the end of reading as it did initially...- is that these are not song lyrics. it would be dam near impossible to sing all this in a song. the song would have to be like ten minutes long. and there aren't any striking images. what did the girl do to be so hated by the protagonist that he would remark she's getting fatter and shorter by the day? that's an awfully mean (and very picky- i.e. everybody does!) thing to say.... the rhymes didn't go from one to the other, there was no repition of lyrics, where the verse ended and the chorus began , well, that wasn't even given any thought to seemingly in this piece... but really, its' airy and has no 'oomph' to it.. that's what 's hard about writing a song, finding just the right words to a (relatively) short lyric...

so, in conclusion, this isn't a song, it's prose
#5
Quote by parkt921k
so i just read this one twice..... the first thing that popped out at me, and i read through twice partially to see if this opinion would ring true at the end of reading as it did initially...- is that these are not song lyrics. it would be dam near impossible to sing all this in a song. the song would have to be like ten minutes long. and there aren't any striking images. what did the girl do to be so hated by the protagonist that he would remark she's getting fatter and shorter by the day? that's an awfully mean (and very picky- i.e. everybody does!) thing to say.... the rhymes didn't go from one to the other, there was no repition of lyrics, where the verse ended and the chorus began , well, that wasn't even given any thought to seemingly in this piece... but really, its' airy and has no 'oomph' to it.. that's what 's hard about writing a song, finding just the right words to a (relatively) short lyric...

so, in conclusion, this isn't a song, it's prose


No, it's poetry. Thanks.

Alex - Thankyou for the comment. I'll have more of a response tommorow, and a crit for you, hopefully.

#7
No, it's poetry. Thanks.


well then post on a poetry board, not a lyrics board (why don't ya?)
Last edited by parkt921k at May 26, 2008,
#9
Quote by parkt921k
well then post on a poetry board, not a lyrics board (why don't ya?)


Don't get smart. Look around.

Thanks Zach. Appreciate it.
#10
DEEZ R SUM SWEET LEERIKS BROSEPH.

seriously though Jamie, i could definitely agree with Zach this time. this is my fav. from you, hands down. i've read it like 6 times now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
most of time, it's when you least expect, lol.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
I thought this was absolutely brilliant!
My only slight problem was in the second half of the 5th stanza, after 'Flash man'. The sound of 'it' in the rhyme just seems a bit too cut back to go on for four lines if you get what I mean. Maybe it's only the phrasing ending with the word 'quit' that I mean that about. Also think that in the second to last stanza, 'Ah, the problem.' would flow better. I agree with ottoavist though, my 4th time so far Bloody wonderful. I shall now skip to the top of the page and have another go.
c4c? Link in sig
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
This was really indulging . It can be a coll rap song . Dropping vowels bit was really hilarious.
Srry for another lame comment . I don't know how to critique this . Its fine the way it is.

I'll try to add more later but a bump for now
Hi
#16
although this definitely gives off the feeling of poetry, i really like it. Poetry is one of the bases of music isnt it anyways? Good luck with this song or poem, it's really pretty good.

PS: I love the dropping vowels thing that was the funniest thing in this
#17
Quote by Jammydude44
Ah. That’s quite a problem. A puzzler,
a brain-twister, mind-bender. You;

a pub quiz; the smartest team will be
over-qualified. Trophy goes to
those who knows the buzzwords.
Those who use senseless rhetorics.
Those who drop vowels in conversation.

Admittantly it sounds better this way, but it tripped me up when I was reading it.

“I owe you” is printed on t-shirts
and on Father’s day mugs. Catchphrase.
You’ll always owe me because I’m the bank;
crossing me gets no reward, and you know it
and you flaunt it because I’m soft.

The analogy and the overall truthfulness made this verse great for me.

I listen to you now only for the adverts.
Where to eat, where to shop, when to fuck.
The faintest hint of a phoney linguistic trick
and I’m sold to the idea. I can take hints.

You’re number one and therefore you have
pulling power. I’ll pave the way for your success.
I’ll lay down the red carpet and provide the crab-cakes,
the volovaunts, the champagne. I can raise you from the
rubble to the ritz, or throw you back the other way.
Flash-man takes the pic and your smile becomes a hit
and a million lifeless faces begin to want a bit.
You love it when some clever dick has found your number
and wants to have a chit. Just admit, you love it when
I’m the one who begs to quit.

I'd get rid of "the other way" and change 'throw' to 'toss'. I like this rhyming scheme... a lot.

Ah. The problem. I'm the one who lays down the carpet.
I am the carpet, fraying. Your heels wear down on the
cold pavement. I see it in every tabloid paper and I laugh.
You’re getting shorter by the day, if that matters to you.

Fatter, too.


Haha this one made me laugh out loud.


C4C. Again, quite deliberate for me.



So all and all I think its a great poem, nice job. I haven't put out in a while so you can save that C4C for my next piece


-The name's Jake btw.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at May 29, 2008,