#1
i wondered why
the garden looked so dead;
why the flowers
looked so comfortable face down;
why i didn't feel like i could write here
anymore;
how nature could be so cruel.

i was walking
through the screen doors
on the patio
when i heard them screaming
my name.
i started to cry.
i searched for memories.
i searched for you.

when it was finally my turn
to look at my life through her
perspective,
i danced on the idea.
this February wind can't
turn me away.
this place will be our painting, again.
i swear.

i finally gave in to my bad posture
when i was told the news;
i'd been collecting dirt from
under my fingernails.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
This is my favorite I've ever from you, I think. It was fantastic. Everything fit in my eyes.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
"when i heard them screaming my name"

who? the screen doors were screaming your name, or the flowers? if the screen doors were calling your name... I don't know, that doesn't really work for me (and if it was flowers, it's not obvious enough). I don't know.

Again, "her" appears suddenly, although she's already been mentioned, it just seems like too sudden an arrival, or perhaps it was just too clear that this was some kind of metaphor.

That was my only problem with this really - the confusion concerning exactly what/who you're aiming things at during parts of the piece. Maybe it's just me being weak, as jimi seemed to nail what you were saying, but all I can do is speak the truth (the truth, you say?) and that's that.

probably been of no use, but if you could get to mine sometime i'd be so grateful that i could very possibly combust and spew my internal organs everywhere (where?)

right here.
#4
i wondered why
the garden looked so dead;
why the flowers
looked so comfortable face down;
maybe a line break before face down.
why i didn't feel like i could write here
anymore;
how nature could be so cruel.

i was walking
through the screen doors
on the patio
when i heard them screaming
my name.
i started to cry.
i searched for memories.
i searched for you.

when it was finally my turn
to look at my life through her
i get the impression that her refers
to the same you at the end of the previous.
this was uncomfortable to my read.

perspective,
i danced on the idea.
if you're saying what i think you are
danced with would sound better to me.

this February wind can't
turn me away.
this place will be our painting, again.
i swear.

i finally gave in to my bad posture
i really can't decide how i feel about this line.
when i was told the news;
i hear when i heard the news or
upon hearing the news.

i'd been collecting dirt from
under my fingernails.
i'm not sure what this means.
without from it makes more sense.
but i'm unsure of the purpose in the first place.


cheers,
SYK
Meadows
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#5
I've been waiting for you to post something so I could give you a nice, long critique.

Sadly, you haven't left me much to correct.

The only bit that was anything less than fantastic, to me, was the beginning of the third stanza. The 'her' is introduced and is never mentioned again, and that left me feeling like I missed the punchline (hell, maybe I did).

And, as others mentioned, it's unclear who or what is calling your name - I'm assuming you meant it to be the flowers, but that's just my assumption, not sure everyone could pick up on that.

But anyway, I absolutely love the imagery of this piece, and really everything else about it. A touch-up on that third stanza would make this an A+ piece in my book.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#7
"them" refers to kin; sorry about the lack of elaboration.

thank you all for your words.
Emma, you actually commented!
....or maybe i'm just seeing things.... ))))))))))
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 26, 2008,
#8
Quote by ottoavist
"them" refers to kin; sorry about the lack of elaboration.

thank you all for your words.
Emma, you actually commented!
....or maybe i'm just seeing things.... ))))))))))


Lol, nope, it's really me!

I'm (hopefully) going to become more active on here.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#9
alright, I'll bring some bad news. I didn't really enjoy this too much. It wasn't bad, and it was well-written, but it seemed under-developed. You have some sort of solid idea running through this, I can tell that... but I couldn't tell you what the hell you are talking about. I've tried to figure it out. This is one of those pieces that I don't just feel like I missed it, so much as it wasn't really there. It was too lost in its own imagery to really connect with me. It would be like reading a vivid description of a painting... I can "see it" but I can never experience looking at the painting. Your technique and flow, as always, were remarkable... I'm just not feeling this one.

I also didn't like the "you" and "her." Sometimes vague pronouns can work wonders... here though, it just seemed to make it even less comprehensible.

Sorry mate.

Edit: new one... if you get a chance. If not, cool.

Edit2: Sign up for the Math/Science comp... or I will rape your soul.
#10
Quote by ottoavist
i wondered why
the garden looked so dead;
why the flowers
looked so comfortable face down;
why i didn't feel like i could write here
anymore;
how nature could be so cruel.

This opening left me oblivious to what's oging to happen next, which can be a good thing if you're trying to create tension but it didn't have that spark that some of your previous pieces did.

i was walking
through the screen doors
on the patio
when i heard them screaming
my name.
i started to cry.
i searched for memories.
i searched for you.

Here you/character sounded deranged. That's good because that can be used for effect, if that's what was intended from you. If not then it's still great.

when it was finally my turn
to look at my life through her
perspective,
i danced on the idea.
this February wind can't
turn me away.
this place will be our painting, again.
i swear.

Nice use of enjambment here everything else was fine.

i finally gave in to my bad posture
when i was told the news;
i'd been collecting dirt from
under my fingernails.

I also did't get "under my fingernails", it felt too suden it would have worked if you used an extended metaphor from previous stanzas but when it's left on its own it can be very confusing


Overall it was a good read but i don't think it's your best, but that's because you're a good writer.
#11
For me a lot of seemed far too juvenile. On first read I thought "this must be an older piece form him".

I loved "danced on the idea" and"give in to my bad posture". Those two lines deserve to be fit into a better piece. I thought they wre awesome lines, really great.

The rest I just didn't get on with. Mostly bland, bog-standard poetry. I've even read that ending before, I swear.

This one just did not do it for me. I think you can write a lot better.
#12
it's really a new approach for me. i really wanted to give it a more "juvenile" feel, hence the name. thank you guys for your comments though, they're very helpful and appreciated. i'll be getting back soon.

EDIT: ZACH, GOD HELP YOU, YOU'D BETTER BE GENTLE IF I DON'T GET AROUND TO IT. lol.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Ah but there's a difference in it having a juvenile feel that helps the piece, and it seeming like juvenile writing. That's what I was meaning. Especially the second stanza, I just thought that was below your class.

Ah well.
#14
^noted.
thank you for your insight Jamie, it means alot.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
hi! just like to say that this is my first crit so forgive me if I don't do it so well
Upon first read I felt a couple of different things going on. I thought the first stanza actually set the scene quite nicely, I liked the imagery of the dead garden and thought the last line of the stanza was pretty dark. The line suited the stanza well and it was quite effective as a sort of tone setter.
Unfortunately I thought that the second stanza was a bit low, it just didn't capitvate me as much as the first one did. I didn't really feel it was well explained. A bit vague, as if you tried to communicate something that either a) didn't really need to be there. or b) tried to change the idea to much. Sorry bout that, just the way I felt.
The third stanza picked up a better and I thought was easier to read than the first two stanzas without being bland. You have a talent for picking up cool phrases that really fit in naturally. I loved the: "I danced on the idea" line but my favorite was definately the: "this place will be our painting, again" line. I just have a real strong connection with it. It feels like the line is saying that you are revisiting a place you havent been to in a long time - spiritually or physically - and you feel that you are in a right place to sort of make the moment yours, if you get my thinking.
The last stanza I felt was a bit short, good yes, effective... sort of. Once again you've got some good lines going on but I thought that it didn't really bring the poem to a proper conclusion. Maybe it would have helped if you had revisited the garden theme to tie it up neatly, maybe you tried to do it, but I felt that it seemed like a missing link.
In conclusion I'd like to say that I think your a really good writer who conjures up really nice imagery. As for the material, i thought it was good without being brilliant. You definately have a few lines of genius in there but it got diluted a bit by a couple of "wishy washy" lines in particular the whole second stanza. I'd give it a good 7 out of 10. I definately get a vibe from reading this, although it's not the easiest reads as it is a bit vague. In some ways I thought it lacked a killer blow that was waiting to explode but didn't. Anyway, I thought it was a good effort.
Sorry if I didn't crit this that well but I just wrote my feelings from a 15 year old point of view, I don't really know much about poetic devices or any of that, I just like writing songs!

alex

ps. this lyrical idea reminded me somehow of "Disarm" by the smashing pumpkins!
#16
This was a great song, loved it, i just added some other lyrics and opinons, hope you like it, and is useful to you...

i wondered why
the garden looked so dead;
why the flowers
looked so comfortable face down;
why i didn't feel like i could write here
again;
how nature could be so cruel and cold.

i was walking
through the screen doors
on the patio
when i heard them screaming
my name.
i started to cry.
i searched for memories.
i searched for you.
i was, a child, i was.

when it was finally my turn
to look at my life through her
perspective,
i danced on the idea.
this February wind can't
control me.
this place will be our painting, again.
i swear.

i finally gave in to my bad posture
when i was told the news;
i'd been collecting dirt from
under my fingernails.
Here i think you should add more, then end with a couple of lines, i'll post some time this week or next week and i'll come up with some chords for you
Last edited by Kom23 at May 28, 2008,
#17
thank you fellas for your input, very much.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.