#1
c4c


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
not just anyone can
become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some are born to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
nor will a Hoover-mouthed scientist.
#2
Haha wow, original thought, I liked it a lot.

"A prostitute with brains will never sell,
and neither will a Hoover-mouthed Physicist."
best line,
tied it up very well.

thanks for the crit on mine. : )
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
It's not just anyone that
can become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.

This was a nice openining dare Zach and it had some flare with it. "Take some pride" was a great opening and although it didn't rhyme, this first stanza, it felt like it did.

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
and neither will a Hoover-mouthed Physicist.

"Physicist" felt a bit too stressed. I convinced 'suck' is the right word you're looking for or maybe it has some persona;l reference there, i'm not particularly sure.


Overall it was a good read but i think you needed a third stanza that could be the conclusion because i don't think the second stanza has taken that task.
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
It's not just anyone that
can become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.

I don't like how you separated the third and fourth lines. It works rhythmically, but it kills the mental flow of it.

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
and neither will a Hoover-mouthed Physicist.

The way the first and second lines correspond with each other kind of bothers me. The first line has too many syllables in relation to the second line, especially for the way you made them tie together. Other than that, the last line bothers me. "Hoover-mouthed Physicist" sounds so strange.


Not one of my favorites by you, but I still like it. For me, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. My critique just magnified the parts.. So it may seem overtly negative, but I actually really liked it.

If you could hit up my new one, I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say.
#5
this is a sucky poem. literally, not literarily.


i see a few places for change
although i don't see them as necessarily being better.


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
It's not just anyone that *who
can become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some to suck for those who think.
You could make this two identical sentences
except for the positions of think and suck.

Just be careful; never combine the two.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
and neither will a Hoover-mouthed Physicist.
Physicist doesn't exactly roll of the tongue.
You could soften this a bit with Scientist.
Nor could replace and neither.




What puzzled me most about this was imagining the motivation in the narrator.
Why does he care about this pro?
Is he a student of the human condition?
Or a jilted ex?


btw, loved the title.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at May 27, 2008,
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
It's not just anyone that
I would change it to "Not everyone"
can become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.
I like the inclusion of an actual street name here

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.
I would remove "Just be careful" here, doesn't sound good to me.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
and neither will a Hoover-mouthed Physicist.



Funny and truthful poem, good job
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Like it alot!
Very diffrent from other stuff in this forum
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Sir, Awesome stuff. You have my respect!
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aw i love your song! sell it n' it would deffo be a smash!
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this is great. you've got the words!
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... Wauw... It really paints a picture and leaves the rest up to the imagination!
#8
Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
It's not just anyone that
can become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.

mmm nice intro. it is simple and quick sets the stage a little.. basically gives you the crash course.

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
and neither will a Hoover-mouthed Physicist.

mm intresting idea lol. bit crude but it's a thought. i thought the jump between stanzas was fast. i think it could have been a bit sudden but that might just be me. i liked the ending. it kind of makes an allusion as in the first stanza.

lol overall it's quite entertaining lol. i look foward to more.
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#10
Wondeful idea, wonderfully written
The only line that didn't really work for me was 'it's not just anyone that'. It just seems a little bit jumbled, especially after the 'accomplished much'. A simpler line would link to the next idea better I think.

c4c? Sorry I couldn't say much.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=870034
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#11
i would subtract the "it's" and "that" from the 3rd line in the first section; they make it sound a little too mechanical for what it really is, imo. there's gotta be a better word than "chick" that could be used too.
i'm pretty fond of the second stanza; i think i like it better, alone, than anything you've wrote recently.
good job Zach, thanks for the crit on mine man.

EDIT: peep my PM.
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secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
I agree with whomever it was on the who vs. that. I think "who" would flow better at the end of the line.

Anyway. I enjoyed this. It was witty - which I obviously like. I thought "Hoover-mouthed" was really clever.

gewd jawbz.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#13
I'll take a crit on mine when you get a chance, I forgot to ask in my previous post.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#14
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
not just anyone can
become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.
I like the sarcasm in this stanza. Sarcasm is hard to pull off well in a poem without being too obvious. I think the flow was a bit choppy between the third, fourth and fifth lines. Also the use of the word "Chick," felt a bit unsophisticated for this style of verse. That, of course, could have been intentional to go along with the sarcasm and ridicule that this piece shows. Which Thomas Edison Boulevard by the way, there are a few and not for the piece's sake, but I'm curious.

Some are born to think for those who suck,
some are born to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.
A prostitute with brains will never sell,
nor will a Hoover-mouthed scientist.
I like the idea of this stanza. The reversal of the first/second and fourth/fifth lines is creative. I like how the third line breaks up the two, which without it might have gotten confusing going back and forth as such. Hoover-mouth scientist was very clever and not only do I get interesting/very silly images in my head, but it's also very original. I like it. I'm sad to say I didn't really follow the idea of the first line. I get it's sake for reversal with the second line, but I just didn't know where you were going with that one. Someone is born to think for a prostitute? Sorry, I just don't get that part. /dumb.


I like this and I feel like it is very creative. Was this written for a friend or someone you know? Or was this just an interesting idea that you added onto? Keep up the good work. If you get a chance could you critique my "Words of Mass Destruction?" Thanks a bunch.
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#15
It's kinda sloppy when it comes to meter. And an inclusion of a fifth line in each stanza is both excessive and damaging.
#17
very original

i think the first stanza is a bit weak
as for the second stanza, i couldn't quite grasp the meaning of the first 2 lines
but besides that last stanza was good
#18
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
It's kinda sloppy when it comes to meter. And an inclusion of a fifth line in each stanza is both excessive and damaging.


Yeah, I have no idea what meter is, lol. I just write ideas and use the broken (poetic) form to give it some definition. I much prefer prose, but this was the type of piece that just couldn't be done in prose. When I do write poetry, its all free-form at best.


And Dylan... I'm not surprised

EDIT: And the first two lines of the second stanza: Someone has to invent cars, household appliances, or understand how the world works in order to pass this knowledge down in layman's terms so a prost. could understand it... thus they have to think for those who suck... but these people are also so damn nerdy that they can't get laid... so to pay back to society for the benefits they receive, the prost. must suck those who think. That's the idea anyways.
#20
I liked it - it was vitriolic, but just barely concealed by intelligence and cutting observation/criticism, which is a particular favourite style of mine - insults always work best when they're clever.

The last two lines were my particular favourite, very clever and sound good when read aloud. My only criticism would be something that has already been stated, that the first two lines of the second stanza seem imbalanced in terms of length, and I feel that interrupted the flow. Otherwise, impressive!

Here's mine, if you get a second - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=871615
#21
hi dude! I really loved this poem! I thought it was light hearted and sarcastic whilst I also felt that there was a bit of a edgy element to it. I don't have much to say about this one because I thought it was just really great and original but I'll try and break it down a little.
The first stanza started really nicely with the "Take Pride My Dear" and carries on well. The last two lines were pretty sweet, but I felt that the "not just anyone can" line was a bit forced into working for the poem. I can't really recomend anything to change it with as I myself am not much a poet, but maybe you should look into sorting something a bit smoother out. Apart from that line (which wasn't at all bad) the first stanza was great.
The second stanza was actually one of the best, most original ideas going on that I've read in a while. It really did just put me in a good mood! The second stanza was just totally sweet! I just thought it was really well written.
Dude, I thought that this poem was a breathe of fresh air, really cool, original and witty. It was a bit short though because I would have loved to have more of it. I know I'll be thinking about for a while! Well Done and keep it up!
#22
here's what I think . I haven't read all the comments anyway


Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


Take pride, my dear.
You've accomplished much...
not just anyone can
become the cheapest chick
on Thomas Edison Boulevard.

I googled "Thomas Edison" so he was a mad scientist(compulsive geek) who became an American inventor .

L1 A little nerdy and obsessive tone which sets the mood well
L2 its fine
Rest of the stanza is written in good tone . "boulevard " "cheapest chick" conveyed the message of day dreaming (in little sense) quite naturally



Some are born to think for those who suck,
some are born to suck for those who think.
Just be careful; never combine the two.

I liked the wordplay in above 2 lines and especially the hidden message in it . Its amusing rathar than being inspiring . Its an untold truth of life like "your parents only listen to you when they are in their deathbed"

A prostitute with brains will never sell,
nor will a Hoover-mouthed scientist.

I liked the ending it was clever.






Thnx for the comment
Hi
#23
i'm especially fond of the change you made in the third line. avoiding the who/that issue entirely, by streamlining. wish i'd thought of that.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#24
I can see how your style has changed. Thanks for the advice.
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that maybe i've been a little more eager
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brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#26
I really like the first stanzas especially the first two lines. As for the second stanza, I have the same opinios as the majority: the first two lines don't seem to fit well in the rest... I like the way you write I just don't feel the flow. Probably it's a reason of why you prefer prose and for what I read on that elevator piece, it was really well written!

Summarizing, it's good. Not amasing