#1
Me and you are in a corner,
a presence of childhood like two vultures
and half the shadow. Because
it’s never good to have too many friends.
But you’ve always been the fool,
but who must I blame when Father comes after you?

On your death bed Jude, as you called her,
would sing a lament to the heavens;
your lip’s backward to the turntable;
your eye beneath the mirror.

You don’t have the nerve;
no roots attached to your half-wooden skeleton.
No end to your Siamese twitch on overalls sheet.
A wounded arm hangs from the heart and swings
by your side, but deprives you of joy.
But you gotta remember, this ain’t folklore boy!
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 28, 2008,
#2
Uh, what the hell is it talking about? It's good for a song to have a deeper meaning, but some of those lines are just jumbled words.

"No end to your Siamese twitch on overalls sheet."

That doesn't make any sense. I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but half the stuff in that is random and without flow.
#4
dear SlashYourFug,
the reason why you have such an offensive, arbitrarily closed-minded opinion is probably due in part to the humor generated through the same intellectual filter that's become the humor you're finding in your sig.

it's not random. it's calculated, and irresponsible to say otherwise.
i'll be back on this, Fred.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
they go together alright i guess but the meaning does seem a bit confusing. Can you elaborate on what its about?
#6
i don't understand why this hasn't received more intelligent feedback than what it's been granted already; but you sir, intimidate me.
you're the only one on this site who does, and i really feel like that's all i can say about this at the moment.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Another solid piece. This one is a bit more obscure and less emotive than the last one, which makes it harder to link myself with it. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure the point of it. I like it, and your imagery is simply captivating... you have a great knack for using awkward points of view and making them sound great.

I've got nothing else.

-zC
#8
Me and you are in a corner,
a presence of childhood like two vultures
and half the shadow. Because
it’s never good to have too many friends.
But you’ve always been the fool,
but who must I blame when Father comes after you?

I have a few issues with this. I stumbled over the first half of the third line - it felt like the sentence was going to end after the second line... and then it didn't, obviously. Also, I really hate how you start the next two sentences with 'Because', and 'But'. I don't know the term for it, but those words are normally used after commas. This stanza is really disjointed, and it reads like three separate ideas thrown together. Also, the double use of 'but' in the same sentence narks me. Overall I didn't think this was very strong. There is no stand out language and no stunning decriptions or images. It's all very 'safe'.

On your death bed Jude, as you called her,
would sing a lament to the heavens;
your lip’s backward to the turntable;
your eye beneath the mirror.

It becomes even more disjointed now. I can't quite feel the continuation of the first stanza into the second, and the first line is punctuated poorly. Can I just ask, 'jude, as you called her' - is Jude the girl? That's the only way that I can see it making any sense - but, if she is, then you need a comma after 'bed'. I may be missing the point of this, but as it reads right now, the punctuation ruins both the flow and any concept of sense. Like the previous stanza, this really doesn't leave much of an impact.

Oh, and by lip's, are you saying 'lip is'? It works either way I guess, but I always thought of people as having two lips, although Idk if they do or not technically.


You don’t have the nerve;
no roots attached to your half-wooden skeleton.
No end to your Siamese twitch on overalls sheet.
A wounded arm hangs from the heart and swings
by your side, but deprives you of joy.
But you gotta remember, this ain’t folklore boy!

This is the only segment of the piece that I admired. Although, just like the previous stanza, it doesn't seem to fit in with the one before it. Call me stupid, but I don't get the Siamese line. I'd been pondering it for a few days before I chose to comment, and it still makes no sense to me at all. I think it's the 'on overalls sheet'. I have no idea. I dislike the last line. Cheesy and forced. Whether you were going for a 'cheesy' finish intentionally to prove some sort of irony within the piece, or not, I failed to see the charm in it.

I love your WoTW piece, this just really didn't do anything for me at all. Sorry. Possibly, I am just reading into this all wrong and I'll look like an idiot after this, but I'm not sure.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
I agree with snowblind. This reading is rockier than... the Rockies. Let's count the first stanza off...

8 - 10 - 7 - 10 - 8 - 10 - 12
And some of those phrases are naturally clumsy. "Childhood like two vultures" in particular. And then the sudden drop of "And half the shadow" was wierd, too.
Then stanza two goes off kilter...

5 - 12 - 12 - 9 - 9 - 12

Now, for the good news. I believe the reason you hold to this odd rhythm is that you find the strength of the symbolism to overpower its lack of stability. That is not the case here (or anywhere else that I know of). I just can't connect with it. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Come up with a concept. Once you have a rhythm, stick to it. It can turn okay lines into gold.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at May 29, 2008,
#10
is "a siamese twitch" on sheets sex?

if so it is an accidental amazing image
as is expected from you