#1
On a dingy city sidewalk corner
stood a young soon to be rugged man
he already showed the wrinkles
of a quenched denied soul
He stopped in the crowd of wandering people
busying themselves to be more miserable

He glanced down at his shiny shoes and sighed
the ache in his heart made his eyes drift to the sky
there he caught something that fixed his gaze

Pretty soon a few took notice of this strangeness
some rugged people were puzzled
stopping to see if they could see
what he saw
they wondered if there was anything at all

Finally one asked, "What is it?"
another, "What is he looking at?"
"Maybe it's a plane or a new kinda smog gas?"
"Is it behind those streaking multi-colored clouds?"
"Maybe behind that shimmering golden sun?"

A smile lifted the man's sullen face
his heart swelled and he started off with a new pace
leaving a confused crowd behind
some thought about it longer than others
but soon they all went on their miserable ways

A young boy stood close by with his granfather
he asked, "Gran'pa, what did that man see?"
"Well, young boy you see, what I believe he saw was
Beauty"
Beauty.


Love the Low end
#2
On a dingy city sidewalk corner
stood a young soon to be rugged man
comma between young and soon.
he already showed the wrinkles
of a quenched denied soul
comma, please?
it's easily spotted how long you'll take to introduce him.
just look for the lines beginning with He.
you'll improve the read by changing the structure of these lines
and burying he within them.

He stopped in the crowd of wandering people
busying themselves to be more miserable

He glanced down at his shiny shoes and sighed
the ache in his heart made his eyes drift to the sky
there he caught something that fixed his gaze

Pretty soon a few took notice of this strangeness
Pretty soon feels weak
and this strangeness is too indirect.

some rugged people were puzzled
stopping to see if they could see
what he saw
they wondered if there was anything at all

Finally one asked, "What is it?"
another, "What is he looking at?"
"Maybe it's a plane or a new kinda smog gas?"
"Is it behind those streaking multi-colored clouds?"
"Maybe behind that shimmering golden sun?"

A smile lifted the man's sullen face
his heart swelled and he started off with a new pace
leaving a confused crowd behind
some thought about it longer than others
but soon they all went on their miserable ways
miserable sounds a bit much.
mundane or something similar might play better.


A young boy stood close by with his granfather
I wonder if this piece might work better if the boy and his grandfather
are introduced at the onset, rather than so close to the end.

he asked, "Gran'pa, what did that man see?"
"Well, young boy you see, what I believe he saw was
Beauty"
Beauty.
Repeating Beauty after the quote weakens it, imho.
Meadows
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