#1
Limousin honey and freshly cut woodland;
The smell of the French countryside
After a long, hard day of rain
Mixed with the haziness that comes from a meal
Of rich circle loaf soaked in thick burgundy wine
Feet pushing downwards in combined circular motion
On the rain drenched pedals of my bike
Straining for the release of rushing down another hill;
Arms stretched wide as sure suicide
If only it wasn’t the countryside;
Not a car in sight
Just a hint of Malibu in the back of my mind
While it’s screaming ‘What a life!’
Back lapse, at home drenched in 70% pure spit
There’s no news when the TV’s dead so **** it.



No doubt it needs work but hell, if I put it up here it might make me come back and edit it some time. I'd love some crit, so C4C of course. Bear in mind I'm on a dial-up connection though. In the middle of France. You may have guessed.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
i loved the imagery in this. it reminds me of yellow.

and if i remember correctly, yellow taps into the mind's memory bin, and causes you to subconsciously recollect. isn't that cool? that is what this does for me.

i'm smiling so hard right now.
great job, this is really good stuff.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
Yellow?
Thankyou, that comment put a massive smile on my face too!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Melody was kind of hard to follow later in the song, but the language was excellent. "There's no news when the TV's dead, so **** it." Excellente!
#6
This was ridiculously well done. I can think of nothing to add, I really don't think you have much to edit... it works well as it is. I've re-read it about 5 times, and I'll be re-reading again soon.

I'll get to your next one, because I basically just stroked your e-penis here (and yes, I realize you are a girl... but e-vagina just sounds strange)

-zC
#7
I'm never sure whether there being nothing to edit in a piece simply makes it bland because there's nothing to latch on to, but hell, it's bloody nice to hear thankyou. I may have a play with punctuation at some point, didn't get round to it as I wrote it in one go.

Ninjamonkey: care to elaborate on where it becomes hard to follow?

EDIT: And by the way zC, I hate reviving old threads for simple comments so I'll tell you here, A Sunburnt Penguin is absolutely fantastic .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at May 29, 2008,
#8
Ty for the crit on my poem. I think that's the most helpful feedback anyones ever given me on the site. I thought you must be an english professor or something, but I looked at your profile and saw that I was just a little bit wrong haha

As for your poem I lovedddddd it. I wish I could be more helpful as to feedback, but no matter how many times I read it I cant see anything wrong with it. I love the last two lines especially. It seems like the portrait of one of those good childhood memories. Like when you're older you'll think back to your hometown and thats the kind of thing you'll remember; going through the countryside on your bike.
#10
Well, I've come back to this a couple of times and am ashamed to say that I really can't find any fault with this - it's perfect for what it is. Perhaps its only fault is that, it doesn't appear to be striving for anything greater. I'm not sure, that's just trying to find something. I really enjoyed it.

Oh, I'm no great fan of the title.

I'll get to your next one for certain. Feel quite guilty that I haven't got much to say about this. PM me or message my profile if I don't notice your next.

skag.
#11
wow man good use of imagry, just little bit wordy, but over all you got your point across, im posting a new song today. check out broken
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#12
Solemn Silence: It's great to be a help, and that's a wonderful compliment, or I'm sure it's meant to be glad you liked it and I look forward to reading some more of your stuff. PM me if I miss it and I'll give you a nice big crit, haha .

Dusty:

skag: thanks for taking a look. Do you mean the 'not striving for anything greater' thing as a critisism or as something to say? I know what you mean though, I have that problem because I mainly post here after one go at writing something. When I'm back in England I'll sculpt something else in to here I'm sure, touch it up, make it better, though with the other comments I'm slightly offput about messing it up. And dammit... I now have to write something new, for you and zC . And the title was just something so that I didn't end up posting it as 'Untitled' and getting no comments! It's an idea I've been playing with the last week or so, the equation for madness. It'll probably end up a piece in itself. Eh.

folotheendisher: cheers, I'll take a look at some point I'm sure .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
Like the majority of people here, I also cannot find anything seriously wrong, or even a little bit wrong with this piece. Its excellently articulate and very potent with its beautiful imagery.
One thing I will say that may make me look, either pretentious or narrow minded, but I can only explain myself and hope you will believe me, that I am going to try my very best to not project that kind of personality.
Anyway, I am not a man who understands the far reaches of France, I only know of the images and scenes spotted and illustrated in films and books. When I think of France, I always think of that awesome film Ripley's Game (even though I think it's set in Italy, I'm not sure). And here is where I actually explain myself...you did force me to be there in France and it is wonderful because of it, but I just couldn't help but ascertain a certain disconection from this. And I say that because, and as much as I did love the ending, it didn't click with me. Even after many reads it still doesn't make me feel wowed about the country France. And that in turns made me personally forget all that you had so wonderfully described.
Now I hope that was explained properly; it is not a problem as such...its just me trying to be an artsy ****!

P.S. I've noticed your work over the last while and its only now that I have had the chance to say anything. I hope you enjoyed reading about me being a pratt?!

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