#1
this is a shout out to my dad. this is some lyrics that he wrote some 20 years ago.


i never before felt this way
my first love slipped away
i've never been in love before
it feels so good, please give me more

her eyes take me to the dapth of the sea
love takes me where i want to be
in from the cold; out of the rain
please girl will you see me again

cause no longer, i can pretend
that you were no more than a friend

we met in an unusual way
you were shy and i afraid
it took me some time to see
just how special you are to me

friday night movies, out real late
i love you girl, don't hesitate
we've come this far
we've touched the stars

please, don't be afraid
ive told you you the way i feel
my heart doesn't lie
i know it's real.
#2
It's an honest piece i suppose, which is great, but it seems a little generic I think. I really don't want to say anything very critical about this, as it's probably special to him (and you as well?), but I will say that I think he/who should take the same ideas and rephrase them.

"i've never felt this way" describe it maybe? "this way" doesn't mean much to people, and "so good" could be elaborated on too. Or try using some more imagery, or a more consistent image throughout, you know? You spelled "depth" wrong in the second verse/stanza lol.

It's nice though. Who'd he write it for?
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
Well.. It's kinda good, but a little too.. well.. don't really know the word, but guess 'generic' covers it well. You're a little too much hold up in the pretended writing-rules. It doesn't have to rime to correctly like "see" and "me" and "real" and "feel"

Keep it comming
Quote by zadzior
Sir, Awesome stuff. You have my respect!
Quote by neon-black
aw i love your song! sell it n' it would deffo be a smash!
Quote by veggiederek
this is great. you've got the words!
Quote by kiaraiswicked
... Wauw... It really paints a picture and leaves the rest up to the imagination!
#4
Quote by TheKermal
You're a little too much hold up in the pretended writing-rules. It doesn't have to rime to correctly like "see" and "me" and "real" and "feel"

I totally agree with this! Aside from the spelling mistakes, that is lol. I was also wondering, is your dad going to read these comments and work on it, or did you want to just share it? I don't see the point of spending much time critting it if the comments aren't going to be utilized to any degree. Just wondering
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#5
The rhyme is too obvious. Assonance is your friend .

On a second read, assonance is your dad's friend.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!