Page 1 of 2
#1
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic
engineering.


So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.


How do you drown a blonde?

Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops
struggling.


Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Repeated absences and stealing.


So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.


How do you brainwash a blonde?

A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.


A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's
office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral."


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder
case in a remote field.


Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"


A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him.

Savagely.


A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress
unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realising that he hates his life.

Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls
over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an
ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw
earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".


A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.


Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.


What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.


Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.


A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."


Knock knock

Who's there?

The wallet inspector!

Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's really cold.


A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving
metal boxes with wheels.


A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.


A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.


What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


A man walks into a *****house and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."


A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"


How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your
neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.


Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing
FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal,
dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you
to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same
thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the
room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains
the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a
harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."


A guy walks into a doctors office.

The doctor tells him, "You need an operation".

The guy says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says*, "Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to
provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and
I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try
to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and
location of this tumour, and I think we should move quickly if we're going
to get our best results."


What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.


A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to
keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the
adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable
sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo
and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a
hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one'
he asks. The assistant tells him,

'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo
dildo.'

'Well what's so special about it?'

'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of
the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly
splinter anyway.'

'Oh ok.'

The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot
hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were
girl-girl-guy.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate
to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set
for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply
distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the
added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother
was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her
quite forgetful and distracted of late.

Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually
encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging
itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture
removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.

Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental
Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken,
being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen
trout fisherman.

"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for
excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most
iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope.
He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the
clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.


Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if
they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.

The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan
must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this
accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on
their cunning and steadfast faith.


A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a
study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a
day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women
use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they
say.

Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk to much,
which was possibly the point of the study."


The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But
the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in
Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and
leaves.


Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.


Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout
different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the
Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure
shipping routes.
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#2
german jokes, eh?


What do German kids get for their birthday?
An EasyBake oven and a G.I. Jew.

/unfunny
#3
Quote by FireandFlames
german jokes, eh?

What do German kids get for their birthday?
An EasyBake oven and a G.I. Jew.

/unfunny


Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#5
W... T... F... do you think I honestly have the time, patience, or willpower to read all of that? But of all the jokes I actually read, none of them were funny, and not one had anything to do with Germans.
GO YANKEES!
#6
Is there any wonder the bloody Germans never smile, they dont have a clue about comedy.
Quote by Atomic_Assault
lololololol that was epic andyd93. you just made my day


PROUD EVERTONIAN
Last edited by andyd93 at May 27, 2008,
#7
Quote by FireandFlames
german jokes, eh?


What do German kids get for their birthday?
An EasyBake oven and a G.I. Jew.

/unfunny



that was the funniest joke in this thread
Gear:
Epiphone G-400 Ebony
Line-6 UberMetal, EchoPark
Boss RC-2 Loop Station
Traynor YCV50Blue, Bass Mate 25, Guitar Mate 15
#8
*sighs*

Should have posted this when more Brits were active...
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#9
Steven Hawking went on a date earlier this week.

He got Stood up.

And fell down straight after.

Hopefully not too offensive to people who have Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis
ΙΓΘΝζΑ
か゚つてへこ
#11
my grandpa explained to me once why the germans lost the war. he said it was because the germans had lots of food, but they just didnt eat it.

....i still have no idea what he was talking about
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
-Modest Mouse, "Novocaine Stain"
#12
Holy **** thats a big list of jokes....


They were awesome
Everyone becomes a genius when they join UG
#14
I read all of those and lol'd so hard
████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
█████████████████████████
██████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
███████████████████████████
#15
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's Daughter.?

Cause he hasn't.
ΙΓΘΝζΑ
か゚つてへこ
#16
Quote by Kensai
I read all of those and lol'd so hard


Europeans ftw.
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#17
If all the Smarties eaten worldwide in one year were laid end to end...

They would lead all the way to Gary Glitter's house in Thailand.
ΙΓΘΝζΑ
か゚つてへこ
#19
These are funny intelligent/random jokes. The Imperial rule approves.

GnR do rock......at least, old GnR did.

Funny...
Quote by SOADrox429
'Bring me the still-beating heart of a newborn child, and the world's rivers shall run red with the blood of the innocent.'

<\/> Fleshgod Apocalypse <\/>
#20
An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained.

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to"
ΙΓΘΝζΑ
か゚つてへこ
#21
thats retarded
Quote by RU Experienced?
Now with 20 percent more Allah!!!

Quote by Borsworth
^^^


Quote by GoldenRose94

that'd be slightly creepy if i didn't find it so amusing.
#25
Quote by Mr. B
Those are all incredible! moar!


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.


A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.


What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.


Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.


How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.


Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.


Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


An old man marries a younger woman, but cannot satisfy her in the bedroom.
They go to counselling and the therapist suggests they take a vacation to
somewhere romantic. They do so, but they old man is still unable to
satisfy his new wife. He makes a call to the therapist who recommends the
old man hire a pool boy to wave a white towel over them during their love
making session. The old man will try anything to please his new bride, so
he hires a pool boy for the job, but he still cannot please his young
wife, so he calls the therapist again. This time the therapist says he
should wave the flag while the pool boy has a go at the wife. The old man
says indignantly, "That's the ****ing stupidest idea I have ever heard!"
and hangs up. They live out the remainder of his short life miserable and
never are intimate again.


A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still
a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible?
You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry
older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't
have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell
them it was the best I ever had."


A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The
kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby
overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm'
say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".


What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an
oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and
cheese with optional garnishes.


What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?

An embarrassing situation.


Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

She was a schizophrenic.


How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her


What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method
of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a
"Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to
cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining
about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really
that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided
you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you
see. People these days are really selfish.


How do you make a swiss roll?

Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either
jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled
into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#26
Psh, this was just a bunch of jokes that were made to not be funny. Its not like Germans arent funny. I've been there for weeks and lived with a family and they were funny enough. Those were just supposed to be dumb.

But, I have always wondered. Do they have WWII video games like Call of Duty in Germany?
That would be weird with killing Germans as the whole objective...
#27
haha

I love these kinds of jokes.
Quote by guitar_god22

thats about south africa tho...which isnt poor at all.
Quote by RyanInChains9
yea venezula is just the richest country in the world...
#28
these are amazing
Gear:
PRS SE Singlecut, blue with stoptail (my baby)
Line 6 Spider III 75 (shut up)
Epiphone Les Paul standard
Cheapo Yamaha nylon string
even more cheapo Fender steel string acoustic
#29
BAHAHA

i almost pissed myself

those are great (i actually read all of those)

Yeah. The rumors are true. I'm a twat.
#32
An Englishman and a German are sitting in a bar. The Englishman tells a German a joke. When he delivers the punchline, the German does not laugh.

The Englishman says, "What's the matter with you; haven't you got a sense of humour?" The German replies, "No".
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#34
Quote by Brain245
Hehehehe.

The Monty Python thing was good too.


Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
and now for something completely different..
#35
Quote by appletice
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.


Can you speak German? Cause it would be awesome if you could translate the funniest joke in the world into English. I wouldn't dare read it though.
#37
This thread is friggin' awesome. xD
I sued Delta Airlines, 'cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey, I went there, and it SUCKED.
#38
very good. I lol'd.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
Demoralising women is just one of the many services we provide here at UG
#39


Man I love these jokes.
Quote by Ultraussie
I want to try that while playing the opening riff to "Tempting Time".

0-0-0-13-0-0-0-0-13 or something like that alalalala but It;s so heavy and off time and awesome and you could not f**k anyone to it.


Quote by Ingested
burzum IS nazi. well, varg is.
Page 1 of 2