#1
Laurie always talked too me, I don't like to talk to her anymore. She gained weight, no self respect. Maybe it was from the chocolate and xanax bars. Either way, two hundred pounds hung down. Those eyes of hers are always squinted, with grease circling every ****ing wrinkle and age line. For fourty Laurie should have looked better. Somebody told me fourteen turns to sixteen quick, and sixteen will flip to twenty-one over night. HA! Imagine if I could wake up tommorrow and get ****faced at a bar the same night. Tommorrow is friday, friday is the dance. Five ****in' milligrams ain't gunna do anything, I'll break the breathalizer over the pigs dick head if I have too. Just like I'm gunna break the five, right on my head.

Lauren didn't like me. I never had anything to offer, what was the point in touching her? Man, she looked fine. So did everyone else that night. All six of us were sharp. I had a cheap suit, but it looked good, just not on me because I ain't tall. Short guys can't wear suits unless they're dressing up for a court date. Lauren danced with me twice, my first dance. Only because she had too.

I only did it because I had too. In order to get ahead you have to lie. The whole night I lied. Too the cop that asked me where the other seventy five milligrams came from. And too the mother in the court room who asked the judge, with her tears, to have me taken down like a christmas tree on December twenty-sixth.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at May 27, 2008,
#2
bravo. i'd buy it. specially cuz my mom is laurie and shes 40 and overweight. =P
#3
^^Laurie is my mother. Coincidence? Haha.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
This will sound harsh, but its some good advice I just recently received, and I know it stung when they hit me with it... anyways:

This was for the most part, throw away. There were some good lines... the "short guys in court" line and a few other solid ideas. The thing that bothered me is (here's what I was just beaten with) that it feels like you are stuck in this certain voice. Its not necessarily bad, because it works for you, but if just felt a bit stale in this piece, and the ideas in the piece sort of fell behind that tone... and it made it all a bit blah.

Sorry mate.

-zC
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
This will sound harsh, but its some good advice I just recently received, and I know it stung when they hit me with it... anyways:

This was for the most part, throw away. There were some good lines... the "short guys in court" line and a few other solid ideas. The thing that bothered me is (here's what I was just beaten with) that it feels like you are stuck in this certain voice. Its not necessarily bad, because it works for you, but if just felt a bit stale in this piece, and the ideas in the piece sort of fell behind that tone... and it made it all a bit blah.

Sorry mate.

-zC

No problem. Honestly, I believe it is a throw away piece as well. And it does feel like I'm stuck in the same voice. But, thanks for pointing that out...I would like to elaborate on some of the ideas, work around them or something.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Err.. I didn't get past the first paragraph because the style is holding this back. You know that though, wonderful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!