#1
First time posting in this forum. Pretty much the first "poem/song" I've ever written lyric wise. Any feedback at all is greatly appreciated (crit4crit.)

EDIT: Updated after some criticism. Chopped it up a bit, changed some lines.

"I See Nothing"


There is a star that rests above me
But its glow is darker than the rest
And I can see its perfection in the water
Breathing, expanding
An inevitable creation
An inevitable death

What I see is meaningless
The vibrations in the water
In the ever growing blackness
That engulfs
That orders and disorders
All around me there is nothing

There are no sirens calling my name
There is no temptation
Casting idly its sadistic game
There are no Gods, drunken with power
There is no divine hero in this undefined hour

When I look back I see life
Forward, death
When I peer over this vessel
I see a pool of nihility
Myself staring back

Drifting along now, a steady pace
I gaze into the water
And as my mind wanders I wonder
How many have been drowned
Torn asunder

Six feet under
Maggots tear at flesh
Putrefy
Emaciate
Nothing
Nothing left

The ripples in the water
They call out to me
Mundane
Monotony
They cry out to me

A shattered façade
Of purpose and fate
Thunder bellows and
The heaven’s shake
The equilibrium has been disturbed

Now my eyes have been opened
The water becomes clear
The stars shine brighter
Meaning becomes clear

There was nothing
Nothing ever here
It’s always been empty
Always been blank
From the conjuration of life
To the consummation of death
There has been nothing but
Organs and Flesh

The pace has grown quicker now
I can feel the breeze
Feel the stars above
Blurring
Celestial dissonance

Everything has become one
And one has become nothing
And I glance to my left
Try to make anything from something

Sailing smoothly along, joining me in this race
Is the lone ferryman, creating his own pace
I reach into my pocket
Feel two coins
Glance over at his face
He smiles

And before I go I’m forced to realize
That the ripples in the black water
Have more meaning than I

For these ripples, they lead us along
And the black pool of water, it holds us afloat
Sculpting delusions and illusions
Of pretense and Hope

I step onto his boat and suddenly I am nothing
I am in true form
Death
Escape
And I feel that void
Feel hysterical laughter
The concept of “life”
The concept of “ever-after”

Now that I can see I close my eyes forever
Let the water of realization carry me along
Listen to insane, solitary laughter

It’s the irony
The irony in their calls
Now that they can see
There’s nothing to see at all
Last edited by metal7690 at May 31, 2008,
#2
I liked a lot of the individuaL stanzas, especially:

And what I see is meaningless
The vibrations in the water
In the ever growing blackness
That engulfs
That orders and disorders
All around me there is nothing


...but the whole thing just felt too long and drawn-out. You use some pretty great imagery and word choice and the atmosphere is really bleak but it just drags on forever and ever and it feels like you're making the same point over and over again. I think this would be twice as good if it were only half as long.
Last edited by flame843 at May 29, 2008,
#7
If this was meant as poetry, I'd recommend adding more punctuation. If it's meant as a song, it could benefit from stronger meter / flow. Either way, you could easily halve this--even quarter it--and come out the stronger for it. A lot of the themes are repeated, and while this can certainly be helpful, in this case it gets repetitive. Also, I'm not digging a lot of the diction. Word choice is key, and yours could use a boost from original phrasings and non-conventional methods. Try to make images your own--give them a metaphoric spin, or use creative descriptions. Still, you have so many images in this, that none of them get the kind of strong development that is often of assistance.

At any rate, this is certainly better than my first foray into verse, and I'll definitely be keeping an eye on you :
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.