#1
I have a creative writing assignment due for varsity shortly and I thought I'd ask for the pits advice (bad idea, I know).

It's still in its baby stages, but here it is for critique, criticism and sarcastic comments

*awaits e-rape and/or phail*

loledit: Now available in technicolour attachment.
Attachments:
Story.txt
Last edited by lolcats at May 28, 2008,
#5
Quote by lolcats
I enjoy watching people in the city.

Do you? Do you really?
Quote by lolcats
Perhaps they see everyone else walking with a purpose and think that they should at least appear to be going somewhere important.

Or maybe they're all Clarke Kent and do have important things to do. Maybe their jobs have huge influence on the global economy.
Quote by lolcats
A particularly good people spotting point is the train station.

No it's not, it's the worst.
Quote by lolcats
Powerful people don’t run.

Sports people: David Beckham, Jesse Owens, Paula Radcliffe - they're role models.
Quote by lolcats
Eager to return home to sterile walls, sterile sheets and sterile glances from sterile wives, transformed by something they are unfamiliar with; childbirth, menopause, life.

A sterile wife could not have a child.
Quote by lolcats
the rare incidence of mandatory sex.

How rare is this mandatory sex? Is there a structure or routine?
Quote by lolcats
Sometimes one of these busy businessmen will see me watching them out of the corner of their eye, watching me, watching them.

Busy businessmen. I don't like this.
Quote by lolcats
I lower my gaze slightly, allowing them this domination.

You want to have sex with these dull businessmen? You could flirt more, and staring wont really encourage them.
Quote by lolcats
free from his pathetic job, pathetic life, pathetic everything.

Who are you to judge? Can you read his mind, can you truly know what he's thinking? Or are you applying your own values to him?
Quote by lolcats
runs to catch his train

You said they never run.
Quote by lolcats
he was a thief, a criminal who deserved every bit of the death I gave him.

MURDERER! Is this story real?
Quote by lolcats
Probably a mirror.

They are slightly reflective.
Quote by lolcats
This must be what a tear feels like; it’s strange, alien territory.

It's human territory, you're the alien.


PHAIL!


I quite liked it.
Last edited by mulletman500 at May 28, 2008,
#6
Disclaimer: The story is not autobiographical in any way/shape or form.

Thanks for your feedback though.
#10
Quote by saphrax
Spellbound by any chance? I too am a published poet!


I think it was

I wanted second place, because you got £250 instead XD

First place for all poets was a publishing.
#11
, well done.

I'm trying to beef it up a little, I'm just unsure where I can take it. I want to talk about the narrators sociopathic qualities a bit more, but I'm just not sure where to go with it. I'll figure something out. Anyone else got any literature they'd like to share? I couldn't find any other story writing threads, we could make this one an 'official' one if you guys like.
#12
What does she look like? (I'm assuming a lady anyway).
Does she sit there often? If so, does she have any regulars? do they notice her. Perhaps it would be interesting to view it from somebody else's perspective, say, a guy that sees here sitting there everyday, making up his own back story for her.