#1
I'm not sure if i should keep the chorus in there or not..so advice is appreciated. c4c

V1
Cute blond curls
on a cute little girl
that lives just down the lane
poor little girl, she's lucky
if her daddy remembers her name

V2
She has the sweetest smile
But it's forced after awhile
It's hard to be happy through tears
and she's been cryin
cryin for years

V3
None of her friends could tell
She learned to lie so well
After all, who would think
It was the little girl's dad
Who made her self-confidence shrink

V4
Pretty blond curls
on a pretty grown-up girl
who's braver than you'd ever know
Yeah, she's the strongest of all
'Cause she learned who she was on her own
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jun 3, 2008,
#2
The chorus does seem to be the low point of the piece. It's a little too literal in the sense that you're cramming in information that doesn't need to be there.

Just give it some polish on the repeating lines and you've got a hit!
#3
Yeah, the chorus is weak. I do that alot, where I jumble a chorus together just to make the song fit right. I don't like the five-line verse. It's so difficult to convey a rythym with it!
#4
I agree with the above the Chorus sounded weak...

by-the-way is this country influenced? Because for some reason I head it as a country like song...the only thing it seemed to miss was the truck and the dog.
#6
I used to crit ur pieces anyway v2 doesn't flow well as compared to other verse . Anyway the song has nice vibe to it . many people including me sing about a ****ed up girl but you seemed to be attached to her. "Pretty blond curls" thats a cute way of portraying and adding effect . It'll be a good acoustic song little emo but a good song
Hi
#7
By verses:

V1 - I like this. I like it because it's a good contrast. I start seeing the pretty little blonde girl. And the repeated description almost make me sympathise with this little girl. And then you switch it up to say that her daddy wont even remember her name, making him an immediate "bad guy". Also, the rhymes make it read well.

V2 - Yeah, i like the first line, i almost see the girl. It's not that great of a verse. But it does tell what you need to say. And again the rhyming saves the flow.

V3 - Ah. The face pink part killed it. You sacrificed making sense for the rhyme. And now it doesnt work. Maybe i just see it the wrong way. It's just when i think of cute little girls' faces turning pink, i think they are blushing prettily. Like you told her she was pretty and she blushed or something.

V4 - I like the end. You kind of repeat the first lines of the song. And it's a nice story of how a little girl had to grow up too fast and learn to hold herself up. Very nice.

Oh, and thanks for you crit man.
#9
Crying on the bathroom sink?
Make her life stink? (No, that one's bad)
Her self-confidence shrink?
I cant think of anymore... They're not any better... If you absolutely need to rhyme, just keep thinkin of words that rhyme that might fit.