#1
I did not write this sentence;
there is no evidence to prove
this line to be anything
but a mere slip of the pen.
This is not a pipe
#3
i'm sorry, i don't think that this is strong enough to stand by itself.

but that's just me. get ready for 400 million others telling you different, or the same though.



EDIT: allow me to elaborate; i did like this. you're a very talented writer, i just don't think that it may pan out the way you were hoping it would.
correct me if my denseness preceeds me.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 28, 2008,
#5
Personally, I'd love to see this as visual poetry saying 'there is no evidence to prove that this line is anything more than a mere slip of the pen'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
i agree
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#7
This was clever. I like this for what it is, a small and (jammydude) cute little piece. For the volume and simplicity of this, it is good, but not as good as your other work.

quality>quantity

I'm sure you knew that though

Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#8
I think that some of you may have missed some of the layers of this piece.
There is more to it than the slip of the pen. That would only make this a miracle, that a slip of the pen created this.

What about the fact that if I didn't write it, you are not actually reading it?

How about the fact that evidence is documented in writing, yet these lines are not evidence enough?

Which line does the phrase "this line" refer to? Is it the first? Or the last?

There are a lot more aspects that I think would have been ruined if I took it a step further and added more to this.

Think about it.
This is not a pipe
#9
The idea of someone not writing something doesn't equate to no one reading it.
If it rained somewhere in the shape of a letter in a language my brain had learnt to interpret and give meaning to, I'd be reading it, whether it was meant to be read in that way or not. Yes, that's a nice idea and I think about it a fair bit, but still, you not writing it doesn't mean I'm not reading it.
I don't know a lot about this but a defenition of 'this' is a word used to let a current thing be referenced to.

Still, I liked it in the first place and I like it now.[/
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I dunno about the meaning there. I mean, documented history, that's a no-brainer, and not good for a song. It's witty, I'm sure, but I feel no real emotional attachment to the point of actually disecting your wit.

Not that wit is bad or anything. It has a place.
#11
^not a song.

through my perspective, the definition that's layered through this could only be decided by the reader. the same does not apply to all literature, but when the artist asks a question that is not answered in the work itself, it's no longer a closed interpretation.

this was the reasoning behind my statement; it doesn't change the fact though, that i do see where you're coming from, Carmel.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
I feel like a complete tool right now. The simplicity of this poetry effectively hid from me all the meaning you put into it. From what you said I feel as if I've lost a bit of myself for having such an untrained eye/brain towards something like this. I'm sorry for the short critique before. Now, to me, it has much more depth. Appologies for being a dunce. Will look further upon next critique.

Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#13
^ If the depth is completley hidden, is it portrayed effectively?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
^me thinks not hidden, just perspectively available.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
Quote by DigUpHerBones
^ If the depth is completley hidden, is it portrayed effectively?


One does not need to write for the reader as much as they write for themselves though. If she knew what her poetry meant and understands what she wanted to get out, well that's really all that matters. Sure we critique on here for each other but really it's mostly for aesthetics more than it is for content or depth.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#16
^ Oh aye, I agree with both of you. Just the guy who actually apologised for being a 'complete tool', that's just how they interpreted it. It's not right or wrong, so it's not stupid. Fine if they can see it with more depth after it's explained, but that doesn't make their interpretation beforehand any less valid.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#17
I agree with both DrknTwstd and DigUpHerBones. The thing is, the appeal of a song draws from it's strength in multiple areas. Melody and length are just a couple, but this concept required that length was short, and you didn't score major points with melody. Meaning can help as well, but your meaning was not readily accessible. So many (like DrknTwstd) were initially put off by the lack of certain points.
Let's take a look at Nirvana for a minute, as Cobain was a master of melody...

"In Bloom" was really directed towards many of the so-called Nirvana fans. It critiqued those that only listened to their popular songs, and did not look deep into the meaning. But before he did that, he created a powerful melody.

Heeeeeee's the one
who likes
aaallllllll our pretty songs
and he
lliiikkes to sing along
and
lliiikes to shoot his gun
but he
knows not what it means

Cobain tricked many people into singing a song that portrayed themselves negatively. It's the person proving their character. A sweet melody could be used in your song to get people hiked up, but still have something for the deep divers. And if the melody (and thusly, the song) was great, they would have more reason to look deep into the meaning.
#18
^ that's all good and well friend, but it's not a song.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#19
well this is a bit Descartes.............

It is a nice "memo" that can be a vehicle for further thought and contemplation;
Whether your piece actually contains these ideas, or whether it is just a conduit to expand upon is debatable; but still it was an enjoyable read.
#20
Quote by carmel_l
There are a lot more aspects that I think would have been ruined if I took it a step further and added more to this.
Absolutely. A piece like this relies on brevity and causing the reader to look for more. I'd considered suggesting that you change the form to a question, rather than a statement. But I'm not sure that would strengthen it, rather than weaken.

Another thought I had was the title. This piece looks back on itself. That's the real merit here. An illusion within an allusion. Sort of like Parallel Mirrors.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#21
I really, really like this. It's made me think a great deal about the thought behind it. I haven't finished thinking about this yet, so I'm gonna ponder it for a while. In short (lol pun) I like very much.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#22
Interesting. If you didnt write it how am i reading it? And did you not write it or write it accidentally?? Cuz first you say "I did not write this sentence", then you say is is "but a mere slip of the pen". Very interesting. It is short and simply worded, but it provoces questions. It's almost like trying to confuse the reader in their own thoughts but in a very innocent manner. I see it like a lie, because obviously you did write it, but you are pleading innocence. And the thing is, there is evidence, the very writing is evidence that you wrote it. Very nice. Made me think, thanks a lot i had a headache! Heh just kidding. But, yes, a very interesting piece.

If you're giving back comments i have a link to a song in my sig, thnx.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at May 30, 2008,
#24
Uhh.
Here is my "piece"

Leaf.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I did not create this tree;
there is no evidence to prove
this to be anything
but a mere growth of the seed.


My point is that the profundity of a statement is taken away when it is extremely vague and just leaning toward the inevitable obvious.

Now for the real question- did you get your inspiration for this from another similar styled piece? or not?

If you can say to yourself that you created this and it wasn't inspired by another vague statement with all lines leading to the predictable then I would say this is a good effort.
Last edited by MeltingWaxFace at Jun 15, 2008,
#25
I'd call this pseudo-intellectual rather than intellectual, and going from that: pseudo-poetic rather than poetic.

That is to say, it thinks it's profound, and it wants and tries to be profound; but in that it loses any brevity or sincerity it might've had otherwise.


Hope I wasn't too dense, and I'll definitely be looking out for your other stuff.

All the best,
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#27
^ not funny.


*giving another chance*

.....

nope. not one bit.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 20, 2008,