#1
hey guys, this just some iidea that i came up with, its not finished, but this is what ive got so far.

c4c of course


Why am i so different
I cannot seem to care
why wont someon listin
my whole life seems to sink in your stare.


reflected in the water
the shallows start to sing
I start to feel rejected and this is what i see

(chrorus)
I can't belive what's happend to me
What i am & plan to be
My darkest secrets are what are pure
I need to pain to be sure
and to live without your love,
a lifeless begin
embrace you until our end

as we break the surface
my soul takes a breath
my undying upon death

the is no justice, no sincerity
all that remains is me
ive drownd in the dark
cause i dont have a heart
since you!!!

redo chorus**

and thought my eyes i truly see
all the hate and pain you caused me
but i'm prepared to let you go
i just hope that you know (wispered{what's wrong with me})
AS i let you sink

like i said it isnt perfect, just thought id post it to get some feed back
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
Last edited by folotheendisher at Jun 4, 2008,
#2
Quote by folotheendisher


Why am i so different
I cannot seem to care
why wont someon listin
my whole life seems so messed up
I liked the idea of this stanza. The last line didn't really fit well I think, probably a few too many syllables, but I'm not sure how you plan to sing this. It's a good starter stanza because it draws my attention. I wonder why are you different, what is causing you to feel like this?

reflected in the water
the shallows start to sing
I start to feel rejected and this is what i see
I like this part the best. I really like the singing shallows part. It brings up lots of images in my head and I don't think I've ever heard anything in a song like that.

(chrorus)
I can't belive what's happend to me
What i am & plan to be
My darkest secrets are what are pure
I need to pain to be sure
This part is good. The last line, I'm not sure if it is written correctly, you probably meant "I need pain to be sure." I wish you added in another stanza about what is causing you to feel like this, I am interested.


I liked the idea and it is a good start. Do some fine tuning and some editing so this piece is really polished. Any idea what kind of music you will put to this? If you get a chance could you critique my "Words of Mass Destruction," piece for me? Thanks man.
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#3
Quote by folotheendisher


Why am i so different
I cannot seem to care
why wont someone listen
my whole life seems so messed up

Ok, here we go. I like the beginning, I can relate sometimes (hehe) but I don't really get "why", like, maybe get a line in there like "cuz she left me" or like "cuz my parents died" or something. I like the flow of it though.


reflected in the water
the shallows start to sing
I start to feel rejected and this is what i see

Really like this verse. The imagery is nice and the flow is very good.

(chorus)
I can't believe what's happened to me
What i am & plan to be
My darkest secrets are what are pure
I need to pain to be sure

Wow, I really like this verse. The last two lines really make it good. Definetely a strong chorus.



Good song. All in all, a solid 8/10. If I were you, I'd just mess around with the first verse, and then crit one of my songs =D
#4
Pretty simple, not much room for mistakes. I agree that line four is too long. Other than that, excellent.
#6
im not going to tell you too long or syllables.

Its art and you or I can say anything any way we want it.

I enjoyed the read!
.
#7
Sounds like a Nickelback song. That was a joke. Unless you like Nickelback. Either way good read and tell me when you finish and polish it up!
#8
You've written the sections as 3 line bits, but I think (unless you've got a tune for it already) you'd have difficulty fitting in the last lines because of the syll. count. So just make 'em 4 line verses. This would probably make the three line verse sound a bit out of place.

My only other picky bit is that I don't like 'secrets are what are', two are's just sound funny.

If you rearrange this a bit I'm sure it can make a good song though. The sections need to have some basis though, so say you'll have 4 line verses and that 7 line chorus, then shape it around that and just make sure the flow's there all the way through .

c4c? Link in sig .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
i can't really figure out how the tune to this goes. you do have some very good lines, such as "My darkest secrets are what are pure", which i thought was brilliant.

my only gripe is that the grammar is a bit off, e.g "I need to pain to be sure".
if it's intentional i'm sorry.

good read though, in the end.
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#10
thx guys, yea i have it writtin already the jmusic
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#11
anyhting else?
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#12
im guessing this is like the whole song, i might dfo a couple of changes, but im writing music to it now
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are