#1
A poem I started a long time ago and recently added onto. Thoughts?

He’s looking for home
but hasn’t found his way back yet.
There are cuts on his knees,
and there are holes in his jacket.
His boots scrape the earth;
The mud and sand, the water.
His legs have grown weak,
but will he stop? Why bother?
He does not ever speak.
His mouth moves just to eat.
He does not ever sleep.
His eyes close just to blink.
He’s seen a million moons,
A billion more stars;
trudging step after step,
only he knows how far.
But what can he do
as he walks all alone?
But wander the world
and step on their bones.


EDIT: After some of the feedback I've edited the poem.
Last edited by Solemn Silence at May 29, 2008,
#3
wow dude, nice flow, but if you were aiming for anyhitng deep, its ether too complex, or there just none there, you've got the gift, just use it.

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#4
Quote by Solemn Silence
A poem I started a long time ago and recently added onto. Thoughts?

He’s looking for home
but hasn’t found his way back yet.
There’s cuts on his knees,
and there’s holes in his jacket.

Love the flow of this, and the imagery. Don't like the fact that it's saying 'there is holes in his jacket' and 'there is cuts on his knees'. Just seems like it hasn't been thought about.

His boots scrape the earth,
Mud and sand. Dirt and water.

This line here breaks that wonderful flow. It obviously fits in with the line two lines down from it, but I think a comma would be better placed than a full stop.

His legs have grown weak,
but stop? Why bother?

The 'but stop' seems out of place. The first two times I read it I thought it said 'why stop', and although that didn't make as much sense it flowed better. I'd rephrase it while trying to keep the flow of the line, which may be hard but would be worth doing. Basically the 'mud and sand' line and this break the flow, kind of push it back and start it going again, so although once you've read this it sounds okay I don't think that needs to be there if it doesn't convey any meaning. If I was going to get all pretentious on your arse, which I obviously am now, I'd say that the stopping and starting seems to signify this guy's movement around the world. How wonderful. Still think it needs another look at.

He does not ever speak.
His mouth moves just to eat.
He does not ever sleep.
His eyes close just to blink.

Great.

He’s seen a million moons,
A billion more stars.
Step after step.
Who knows how far?

The last line here, especially after the full stop, seems too vague. Like it's half a sentence. I'd love to see it finished.

But what can he do
as he walks all alone?
But wander the world
and step on their bones.

Yeah, I don't like the last line at all. It seems like you've just put words in random places to make the flow right. So when that's near perfect the meaning isn't as strong as it could be. Sorry to be so critical because I know what I just said is harsh, but if you take it on board I'm sure this could be really great.


I like this though I think it could be much improved if you took a second look at it and edited it a bit.
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#5
Quote by Solemn Silence
A poem I started a long time ago and recently added onto. Thoughts?
Normally I wouldn't break up something that has no spaces, but for critique's sake, I shall do so.
He’s looking for home
but hasn’t found his way back yet.
There’s cuts on his knees,
and there’s holes in his jacket.
I like this a lot. It provides a lot of good imagery and sort of reminded me of the book Old Yeller. I'm not too sure why, it just did. It paints a good picture and is a good start. I wouldn't change anything here.
His boots scrape the earth,
Mud and sand. Dirt and water.
His legs have grown weak,
but stop? Why bother?
I liked lines one through three but the fourth line kind of threw off the flow a little bit for me. It takes the poem from a narration to a question. The slight change made it a little awkward for me. I feel both segments of line four were equally damaging to this part.
He does not ever speak.
His mouth moves just to eat.
He does not ever sleep.
His eyes close just to blink.
This was good. Very simplistic, which is good. You picked up the narration again here and the little facts about this person helped to understand him better, I think.
He’s seen a million moons,
A billion more stars.
Step after step.
Who knows how far?
I'm not sure how I feel about this part. I like the stars and the moon reference as I'm sure a person searching for home would see such things often, but words like "million," and "billion," just kind of feel strange here. This piece feels like it could do better with different words there. Something that can possibly relate more towards the piece, to take the place of "million," and "billion." The fourth line here goes back to a question but I feel it is less damaging here. I think if it said something like "He knows not how far," or something like that, and made it relate to your character it would flow better.
But what can he do
as he walks all alone?
But wander the world
and step on their bones.This part was interesting. You went to the question, which fits here in conclusion to your poem. From the start of the poem I feel it was not really "simplistic," as I am unaware of who this is written about or any other underlying reasons for this poem, but it was relatively straightforward. The last line adds a slight twist on the edge of this poem and leaves me wondering what is this poem really about?


I like this a lot. After reading it again I am again reminded of Old Yeller, but after the third time or so I felt maybe you have a friend far away in a war or something, and then the fourth time I thought maybe you could be the wanderer? In a more metaphorical way, that is. Any of these true? Overall I liked this and think with a few small touchups this could be really good. If you get a chance would you mind taking a look at my "Words of Mass Destruction?" Thanks buddy.

CJ
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#6
Well when I started writing it I had just pictured a lonely man wondering the world. But after writing it I thought that in a metaphorical sense yes I was the wandererer searching for my splace in the world, or my "home". I dont have any friends in the war and I did read Old Yeller a long time ago haha
And I did change it a bit since I first posted it.
#7
'The mud, sand and the water' might sound more fitting than 'the mud and sand, the water'

And still, I'm afraid I just don't get that last line .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
The last line is about...
See I don't even know what I'm writing about sometimes haha
But I guess when I was writing it I kinda started seeing him as the last man on Earth. So their bones would be the bones of humanity.
I guess haha