#1
Leave a link in case you say something.



One fine day



08:00 A.M

Unlike the song “morning glory”
She doesn’t need a little time
To wake up, wake up.
She picks her dress from the floor
And moves out of the bedroom.
She comes in kitchen sees him
and goes outside.


11:00 P.M

An obscure figure in silver mirror
Enacts its creator in real-time.
Constantly looking at the cars,
Hiding cash,
Brushing up make up,
passing smiles.

11:45 P.M

A car pulls over along the sidewalk.
she jumps right in.
Reflection doesn't worry
She'll be back tomorrow,
Same time same place.
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 29, 2008,
#3
The way you use ellipses really brings out a consistent voice with you, Andy. And how you use punctuation. I've noticed it in your last few and it's pretty cool to read.

I didn't like the "enacts" line. Felt too out-of-tone with the rest of the piece. It sounded to epic a line for a piece which started off with such tongue-in-cheek cyniscm.

Also the double "up" in that stanza I wasn't too fond of, for flow reasons. I tripped on it's wording.
#5
Its about a hooker

"need a little time to wake up wake up" actually this is a line from song "morning glory" . I just wanted to use it in different sense.

I know its not as engaging as my last piece . I might try to expand it later and see how it goes.

Thanx for the comments

I'll get back to yours as soon as i can
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 29, 2008,
#7
I have to agree with ZC on this one. it was good. but it was a 'read it once and move on' good. you know? I don't really have much to say about this piece. i read it earlier, but i'm like zanascross i just can't get into it. thanks for the crit on mine though, sorry i'm not any help :s