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One fine day

08:00 A.M

Unlike the song “morning glory”
She doesn’t need a little time
To wake up, wake up.
She picks her dress from the floor
And moves out of the bedroom.
She comes in kitchen sees him
and goes outside.

11:00 P.M

An obscure figure in silver mirror
Enacts its creator in real-time.
Constantly looking at the cars,
Hiding cash,
Brushing up make up,
passing smiles.

11:45 P.M

A car pulls over along the sidewalk.
she jumps right in.
Reflection doesn't worry
She'll be back tomorrow,
Same time same place.
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 29, 2008,
The way you use ellipses really brings out a consistent voice with you, Andy. And how you use punctuation. I've noticed it in your last few and it's pretty cool to read.

I didn't like the "enacts" line. Felt too out-of-tone with the rest of the piece. It sounded to epic a line for a piece which started off with such tongue-in-cheek cyniscm.

Also the double "up" in that stanza I wasn't too fond of, for flow reasons. I tripped on it's wording.
Its about a hooker

"need a little time to wake up wake up" actually this is a line from song "morning glory" . I just wanted to use it in different sense.

I know its not as engaging as my last piece . I might try to expand it later and see how it goes.

Thanx for the comments

I'll get back to yours as soon as i can
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 29, 2008,
I have to agree with ZC on this one. it was good. but it was a 'read it once and move on' good. you know? I don't really have much to say about this piece. i read it earlier, but i'm like zanascross i just can't get into it. thanks for the crit on mine though, sorry i'm not any help :s