#1
bone rattler.

come,
come along.
lie awake,
the heart stills.
paint your hope
with rolling hills.
stutter what your faith instills.
make your days
a song.

come,
don't be long.
take away the seasoned
reasons.
nap your way
into the evenings.
sing along,
pronounce some feeling;
you'll never
be alone.

come,
rattle bones.
light the barrel,
tip the artist.
continue wheeling
quests for knowledge.
social butterflies
for solemn,
calming
reassurance.

to the being
stuck inside me, listen;
the shifty blows of rapture-driven,
sirens singing hope has given
low to waves of soul and feeling
never felt hereafter.

humanity is a beauty not yet attained
by its own hands.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at May 29, 2008,
#3
that's cool.

anyone with anything useful to say?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
I do, I think, maybe. Yes.

Don't get caught up in slight archaic phrasing and wording for the poetic edge of it.
#5
?

say wut
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Eh, the whole "come, come" thing, the "never felt hereafter", "to the being stuck inside me, listen".

These part sin particular felt too archaic (old) for a piece written at this time. DEfinitely with "hereafter", I felt the wording was. It was the syntax in the last example I quoted that felt out of place. And the "come, come" whilst working, I can see, in the piece, just felt like tired wording.

Idk. I just felt some stuff was straight out of those poets before us who have passed on. It read like they could've written it, which for me was a negative.

Or maybe I'm making little sense.
#8
curse my vintage style.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
*takes off parachute pants and shaves afro*

>_>

For what it was, it was ok. It just feels stale because of that language. It's like reading the novels from the 30's when they are talking about the future... its that style language describing things that we see as commonplace today. The voice doesn't match the content and ideas. Similarly, here your voice just doesn't match up with what you are saying. Imagine someone taking a huge hit of helium and then telling the story of Jack the Ripper. Yeah.
#10
no, i definitely see where you're coming from.

my interpretation of a modernesque poetic protest against contrary human conditions.
it's all gravy in the navy, mane.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
I disagree, as usual.

"to the being
stuck inside me, listen;
the shifty blows of rapture-driven"

The yoda-wording of listen there makes the line. It sounds best with that wording, so use that wording. I don't really understand how writing in an... old style.. defers from the piece. Good poetry is good poetry - if I offered you a few poems and retracted the poets details, I'm sure when they were written wouldn't influence the extent to which you warmed to them or would want to read again. As far as i'm concerned, Jamie and Zach have thought too much about YOU and how you fit with this piece rather than the piece itself.

I don't care if it was written a billion years ago, what's good is good.
#12
Quote by ottoavist
bone rattler.

come,
come along.
lie awake,
the heart stills.
paint your hope
with rolling hills.
stutter what your faith instills.
make your days
a song.

I don't like "lie awake, / the heart stills." It didn't seem to fit with the rhythm you had going after it. "paint your hope / with rolling hills" fits the suggested rhythm, but it was somewhat bland to me. I do like "stutter what your faith instills."

come,
don't be long.
take away the seasoned
reasons.
nap your way
into the evenings.
sing along,
pronounce some feeling;
you'll never
be alone.

I liked this one a lot better. But overall, it feels somewhat bland to me. There's nothing really tangible for me to latch on to.

come,
rattle bones.
light the barrel,
tip the artist.
continue wheeling
quests for knowledge.
social butterflies
for solemn,
calming
reassurance.

I had to re-read this one to get the rhythm right. I didn't like how I had to read "social butterflies / for solemn" with strange accenting to make it fit the flow of the piece. But we're all guilty of that, and it was necessary here. You had to either kill the meaning of the poem, or slightly distort a line. You went with the right choice.

to the being
stuck inside me, listen;
the shifty blows of rapture-driven,
sirens singing hope has given
low to waves of soul and feeling
never felt hereafter.

I love this stanza, but I have a complaint. I didn't really like how "the being / stuck inside me, listen" was worded. I'm sure there's a better way to convey the same idea better.

humanity is a beauty not yet attained
by its own hands.

I really like this. I'm a sucker for the paradox.


While I do like this piece a lot, I think it's a lot weaker than most of your previous. This one seemed to lack the emotion I've witnessed before.
#13
*takes off parachute pants and shaves afro*

>_>

ha! yeah i also had the feeling i was listening to some poem that was from a WAY different time period. It has good themes in it but it needs updated word choice
#14
ok, that just added insult to injury my friend.

are you saying just because it's not modern, it sucks? or is that just your very unoriginal opinion?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
oh, i know Jamie.
it's for the intelligent one my post is under. he added nothing constructive, he's just being a tool.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
Quote by ottoavist
bone rattler.

come,
come along.
lie awake,
the heart stills.
paint your hope
with rolling hills.
stutter what your faith instills.
make your days
a song.

I like this. I think it would have been more impactful if you used a set metric foot with this.

come,
don't be long.
take away the seasoned
reasons.
nap your way
into the evenings.
sing along,
pronounce some feeling;
you'll never
be alone.

'Seasoned reasons' didn't sound right. This was a weak follow up, i think it would have been better if you'd made this stanza 3 not 2, if you know what i mean. If not, fear not

come,
rattle bones.
light the barrel,
tip the artist.
continue wheeling
quests for knowledge.
social butterflies
for solemn,
calming
reassurance.

This should have been stanza 2.

to the being
stuck inside me, listen;
the shifty blows of rapture-driven,
sirens singing hope has given
low to waves of soul and feeling
never felt hereafter.

Nicely done

humanity is a beauty not yet attained
by its own hands.


Overall i enjoyed this. I don't know what's sup with the hatin' about the voice or the style but it's best just to keep to your roots or what you're happy with.
#18
thank you very much Fred, i was hopin' you'd get around to this one.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.