#1
I havent came up with the tempo or flow but it going to gallop i am sure.


smoke a cigarette
and say goodbuy

the trial is over
it's time to die

it's my revenge
the axe will fall

your gonna BURN!!!!
for what you've done

Burn, your gonna BURN!!

ash to ash
in hell you'll be born

eternity in pain
and i will have my gains
#2
wow, i can feel your emotion in the parts where the caps are, I think it's good, I can kinda feel where the flow is but in some parts it kinda stops. It's kinda weird, but ya, maybe try to find the flow. it's there, you just have to find it, and if this ever becomes a real song, it needs to be longer, of course. hope this helps!!
#3
i am a minimalist, its a thrash song The Gray and i are already laying down riffs for it.
Last edited by The_Gray_KYLE at May 29, 2008,
#4
you mean thrash, not trash, right? if so, then cool, songs don't have to be all lyrocs, and thanks for the crit on my song!!!
#6
This feels really insipid..I mean, I can appreciate a thrash metal song without poetic lyrics, but from a songwriting standpoint this just seems weak to me. All you really say throguhout the whole piece is "I'm going to get revenge." But why? Revenge for what? What will you get out of the revenge?

It's just too bare-bones I think.
#7
understandable but i forgot to mention that is a story music vid song kinda. and its still in progress.
#8
Hmmm...first thing I notice is some spelling errors (goodbye, you're). Hinders the overall piece. Secondly, I feel as if the song were written in about 30 seconds. I mean, I listen to thrash, and can appreciate that style of lyricism within the given context, but these appear extremely juvenile and haphazard. I think it'd do you good to expand more upon the idea of the narrators revenge. Also, although somewhat cliche`, the image and connotation of "Ash to Ash" has some potential.

I think if you're gonna go the route of angry thrash song, well, make it angrier. Throw some more emotion in there. Some more thought and explanation.

Sorry if I'm a bit harsh. Just trying to help out.
#9
well all crit. has its place, (in the trash lol) but isn't revenge juvenille? and to me your sounds diff sung than you're but thats just me being nerotic. and goodbye is run together because it is sung together. and like i said before its in progress. but thank you
#10
the main issue I have with this--and bear with me, because it might sound harsh--is that I don't actually care about any of it. Now, by that I mean only that you haven't connected this to anything that I can relate to. There's nothing concrete here, just a dozen lines of a dude being pissed off. And while that emotion can definitely work in lyrics, without depth behind it, it--forgive the pun--falls flat.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#11
I didn't think this was that bad, in fact I thought it had potential. I quite liked the fact it was just completely stripped down - I think that it's hard easy to be wordy, and hard to say a lot in a few words. I liked how bleak and sparse this was, which reflected the theme.

My crits would be first the grammatical mistakes - obviously lyrics are to be sung, so it's not a huge thing, but I do think it sours the taste for someone reading and criticising. The only other issue would be that it could do with a little more - as someone said, why revenge? what has happened? I think that if you could offer a little more information/context, but retain the stripped down style, this would be a great piece.

Thanks for seeing mine.
#12
Quote by metal7690
Hmmm...first thing I notice is some spelling errors (goodbye, you're). Hinders the overall piece. Secondly, I feel as if the song were written in about 30 seconds. I mean, I listen to thrash, and can appreciate that style of lyricism within the given context, but these appear extremely juvenile and haphazard. I think it'd do you good to expand more upon the idea of the narrators revenge. Also, although somewhat cliche`, the image and connotation of "Ash to Ash" has some potential.

I think if you're gonna go the route of angry thrash song, well, make it angrier. Throw some more emotion in there. Some more thought and explanation.

Sorry if I'm a bit harsh. Just trying to help out.


spotted a little grammatical error here, i believe its "haphazardous"

as for the song, it must be a very short song unless ur just throwing in 2 lines every 30 seconds between music an that would be a bit dodgy