#1
I need a chorus for this song, but I'm not sure how I could fit one in, so advice would be appreciated. but please crit as much as you want!!

She
I thought she liked me
She
Gave me her number
She
Was all over me
She
Was real cool to me

He
She liked him
He
Asked her out first
He
Got her to like him
He
Got to go out with her

She
Rejected me
She
Still talked to me
She
Made excuses
She
Did she hang up on me?

That guy
Tried to ruin my life
That guy
Is friendly to my face
That guy
Tales bout me behind my back
That guy
Got me to call she

They
They are my friends
They
Hang out with that guy
They
Call me to play
They
Try to be friends with both of us

Her
was always my friend
Her
Gave me some digits
Her
When I tried to call
Her
Made excuses to hang up
#2
You don't really need a chorus if you can't come up with one just don't include it. Not all song have to have a verse chorus bridge and outro some songs are just 2 verses repeated some are only 3 different lines. If you are happy the way it is leave it be.
Yertle the Turtle was king of the pond.
A nice little pond. It was clean. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The turtles had everything turtles might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.
#5
Oh that last verse is awkward as hell. You just cannot use the pronoun in that way.

I think you need a chorus as am eans of releasing the tension built up in the tightly structured verses. Always a plus, otherwise it's just tiresome.

But yeah, that last verse. Ouch.
#6
sorry dude utter crap. it rhymes at bad places insted of through out.
maybe make the lyrics funnier and make it a pop punk song
#7
well the reason is because she, he, them, that guy, etc. represents a different personor group of people, and I don't want to mix up pronouns and such, so I chose to keep it that way, i did consider the bad grammar, but i figured that the story I'm tryin to tell is more important than the grammar I use
#8
Quote by The_Gray_KYLE
sorry dude utter crap. it rhymes at bad places insted of through out.
maybe make the lyrics funnier and make it a pop punk song


where does it even rhyme? cuz i can't find those places, ad besides, songs don't have to rhyme throughout, there are no rules
#9
But, it's not even a bad use of grammar. It's like, a violent act against it. That and it reads and would sound terrible, and to any slightly educated ear laughable.

The other pronouns work, and you can make "her" work too but you've decided not to. It's just, painful to read.
#10
when lines end with similer sounds it "rhymes" there are meny types of "rhyme" and there are rules with somewriteing it has to be asteticly pleaseing to somebody. there are no rules to your insperation but throwing it down it needs form.

i wasn't trying to be mean. contructives crit is nessecery.
#11
The_Gray_KYLE, you weren't being mean, i just don't....ahhh i see, yeah, i gotcha, i mean, this was written in 5 mins max. i just thought it sounded good, but yeah, i see where your coming from

Jammydude44, i just substituted words, like, not using the pronouns as pronouns, but as names, you know? but them being pronouns also, ya know? it's kinda hard to explain, i know, hope I don't confuse you that much