#1
This pencil, blunt in hand,
blurring the intentions planned

into a single black box through which
the words cannot be read.

So blunt, thick and smudged the lines
that each tail or flick becomes a wiry vine.

I don't think it's worn - the leaves still grow,
the roots still dig in deep and low

enough to drink up all the moisture;
encouraging the buds to flower.

I've seen it picked up by another
and words were printed with no bother.

Sharpen it?

I feel it would take time to carve and shave
until the point can be defined, well made.


Ahh. C4C. Tear it up. Go nuts. Do what ya gotta do.
#3
you lost me right out of the gate on this one, Jamie.

This pencil, blunt in hand,
blurring the intentions planned


the is optional, but i feel you need a couple of syllables
between intentions and planned to balance the rhythm.
Rhythm is king when the structure is couplets.
and Rhyme is queen.
This could be much stronger if you can tighten them up.

I like that you slipped away from the pencil metaphor
long enough to introduce the plant/flower theme
then returned to it in the end.
You might look for a smoother transition back.
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#5
you lost me right out of the gate on this one, Jamie.


I did? Oh well.

There's a clunkiness to the flow that shows the writer "going through the motions", writing mechanically etc. Also plays with the rhyme/half-rhyme/no rhyme couplets, and the dead use of "Sharpen?" instead of a fully-exposed question.

I felt if youcould get the metaphor, the meaning comes through easily.

Zach, I await. I'll tag the next one you post.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
This pencil, blunt in hand,
blurring the intentions planned

into a single black box through which
the words cannot be read.

I didn't like how the first couplet read seamlessly into the second one.. It kind of put an immediate disregard to your structure. It makes me wonder why you didn't just keep a normal four-line stanza. It flows nicely when read across both couplets, but when read each one by itself, like the form suggests, it doesn't have nearly as much flow. I also didn't like how the second couplet didn't have a rhyme.. Especially since you rhyme the entire rest of the poem. So you lost me here.

So blunt, thick and smudged the lines
that each tail or flick becomes a wiry vine.

The second line is wayy too wordy for the first. At least, the way I'm reading it.

I don't think it's worn - the leaves still grow,
the roots still dig in deep and low

I really like this. The flow is great.

enough to drink up all the moisture;
encouraging the buds to flower.

I hate how the first line reads.. The second would be fine with a better first.

I've seen it picked up by another
and words were printed with no bother.

A bit of a stretch with the rhyme, eh? =D I like the idea behind this one.

Sharpen it?

I feel it would take time to carve and shave
until the point can be defined, well made.

Good analogy. =D


I like the ideas behind it, even though the form threw me in places.. I do like it as a whole, though.

If you could hit up my newest, I'd be grateful.
#7
Hey.

I was lukewarm with this. I sort of get what you're trying to achieve (a lot more after you explained it) but I think the concept - within the writing style, is too ambiguous to really be noticeable until you point it out.

Like the whole 'clunkiness' thing. You tried to make it that way - which you did, but it came across as forced and disjointed.

It was an interesting idea, but I don't think this piece really did what you had planned justice. IMO.

But then again, maybe it did.

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#8
I think I am able to see the meaning clearly. Why waste time on something that’s half developed. Let it grow into something big and when it’s all big or meaningful, you can decide if there's a need for it or if you actually care about it.

Quote by Jammydude44
This pencil, blunt in hand,


I don't have any problem with first line . I liked your word choice . First I thought blunt was little out of place but after thinking for few seconds I liked it . Blunt is opposite of "sharp" and you used "sharp" as an intelligence quality or whatever.


blurring the intentions planned

Its a nice line but sadly there's nothing new here . A common thing that every philosopher feels but still it does its job


into a single black box through which
the words cannot be read.

I don't know whats the deal with line breaks . Sometime they produce good image like change in scenery . Sometimes I feel they are there just for the sake of the structure while they break the continuity.

You already mentioned "Black box" than why are you explaining yourself . "Get rid of words can't be read bit" . Everyone knows in black box you can't see inner modules . Don't they??



So blunt, thick and smudged the lines

instead of "the" maybe "in" just sounds more appealing to me .


that each tail or flick becomes a wiry vine.

"Wiry vine" was cool.It automatically generates a picture in mind .and metaphorically its gr8 also. "Small but strong things combining themselves"


I don't think it's worn - the leaves still grow,
the roots still dig in deep and low

enough to drink up all the moisture;
encouraging the buds to flower.

I've seen it picked up by another
and words were printed with no bother.

really nice i liked the last line . The transition from pencil to plant didn't felt forced or unnatural to me .


Sharpen it?

This is very nice thought provoking way to summarize

I feel it would take time to carve and shave
until the point can be defined, well made.

Shave sounded little bit awkward to me . I was expecting "shape" instead of shave and going with the whole plant thing maybe "trim".


Ending was ok.


Ahh. C4C. Tear it up. Go nuts. Do what ya gotta do.



Overall it was nice . These days I'm not in my philosophical mode otherwise I'd have enjoyed it more . Thanx for crit. keep writing

Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 31, 2008,
#9
Eh. If anyone wants an explanation of where I was going with this then pm.

Petey - there wasn't a solid rhyming couplet structure, I was toying with it all the way through. Thanks, I will get back to you somewhen.

Nate - I don't agree that it's hugely ambigious. But then again you may be right Thanks. You got anything up? Gonna post that sestina ?

Andy - Your interpretations are always of great interest, as are your critiques. Thankyou.
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
This pencil, blunt in hand,
blurring the intentions planned

I'm already taken a back by this a bit. To be honest, I have no idea why... just when I read this first stanza my brain was already like, "this isn't gonna be one of his best." I guess, mostly, I don't like the way it read. It felt like there should be more, like you hadn't really said anything yet. I dunno.

into a single black box through which
the words cannot be read.

So blunt, thick and smudged the lines
that each tail or flick becomes a wiry vine.

This one said nothing really. It was just there. I mean... I've read this 3 times now and still think its a bit too ambiguous, I'm not really picking up on much of anything... but this couplet in specific just felt like a poetic idea... it didn't seem to add much other than, "hey the pencil is still blunt."

I don't think it's worn - the leaves still grow,
the roots still dig in deep and low

enough to drink up all the moisture;
encouraging the buds to flower.

I'm completely lost. I have no concept at all of what this is about... so I'm gonna stop going in here and skip to the end. It was about this point each read that I just said... fuck it. I finished reading it... but by this point I had pretty much given up on trying to understand anything every time. It just never clicked.

I've seen it picked up by another
and words were printed with no bother.

Sharpen it?

I feel it would take time to carve and shave
until the point can be defined, well made.


Ahh. C4C. Tear it up. Go nuts. Do what ya gotta do.



To be completely blunt and honest, there isn't much about this I did like. I probably just missed a huge batch of subtlety; as you know, subtlety isn't my strong-suit. Anyways, it just felt overly obtuse... it would be like writing about a frying pan, but describing it as a warm crater, it just seems like it doesn't need to be done. I didn't feel a connection with this, as I didn't understand it, and I also generally felt like these weren't your best lines or images. They had no pop to them, and didn't really feel fresh either. And then to top it off, the flow you usually have just seemd a bit choppy here. I could tell it was there... it just didn't read like smooth butter. Yeah.

This one obviously was not for me. Oh, but PM me your explanation anyways, please.

(feel free to jump on my next one... when and if I ever write again, lol)
#11
allo.
sorry it's taken me so long to get to this; it's been busy around my neck o' the woods.

to begin; disregarding the theme, i do not care for the couplet structure. i don't know if this is what you were going for, but it makes the meaning seem a tad broken. not purposeful, but accidental; that's where it's bothering me.
i do like the way you kept your idea solid from start to end. i liked that very much, matter of fact. also the "Sharpen it?" phrase was a plus. it managed to stick out and add spice to a much needed area - not in a bad way, just kind of felt it taking a monotonous detour for a sec.

i'm really kind of indifferent to the rest, but i thought it to be enjoyable Jamie. it seems as if you're taking steps to stretch yourself as a writer, and so far i'm definitely seeing improvement in your strides. <- if this isn't the case, well then don't pay any attention to what i just said, and keep doing what you're doing dammit.

btw, thank you for the good words on my last.
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#12
Thanks you guys.

Zach - Again, like the above, I wouldn't say it was overly obtuse, but I see where you're coming from. Thanks.

Kent - I'm disliking the couplets more and more now, although I do think it gives the effect I wanted. I'll think about strcuture more now. Thanks.
#13
If you don't mind, I'd prefer to do a full criticism on your next piece. I'm not too fond on this one so it'd be better if I waited.

However, the last couplet is what I've been trying to write for weeks. Good job there.