#1
I laid the coast across my lap,
arms around a snowglobe sky.
Squeezed together the lines, the map;
the bodies come in with the tide.

Fireflies in a Bell Jar
bended light to soak up dark.
Thick glass, thin wings; wanted to touch,
left fingerprints in glowing guts.
Fireflies in a Bell Jar,
the stagnant air didn't go far.
Such little bodies, a little push,
left fingerprints, luminous.

The night-light chemicals run through my hand
Leave a note on my arms and face
dip fingertips in palm, as pens;
crawl into Bell Jar cage.
Marking life through the glass,
deep breaths in shallow air,
in love with being emotionless;
praying to not have a prayer.

A Firefly in a Bell Jar
little light, living dark
thick glass, thin wings, wanted to die
but couldn't get out to try.
Fireflies in a Bell Jar
a little life, far too large
this little world, a little much
for baby boy, die to grow up.

The night-light chemicals run through my hand
Leave a note on my arms and face
dip fingertips in palm, as pens;
crawl into Bell Jar cage.
Marking life through the glass,
deep breaths in shallow air,
in love with being emotionless;
praying to not have a prayer.

Fireflies in a Bell Jar
bended light to soak up dark.
Thick glass, thin wings; wanted to touch,
left fingerprints in glowing guts.
Fireflies in a Bell Jar,
the stagnant air didn't go far.
Such little bodies, a little push,
left fingerprints, luminous.

I laid the coast across my lap,
arms around a snowglobe sky.
Squeezed together the lines, the map;
the bodies come in with the tide.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Jun 2, 2008,
#3
First thing, I'd like to say you have a wonderful sense of imagery going on. Everything here, every idea, every sensory detail, stands out greatly and puts emphasis on the meaning of the piece as a whole. That being said, the firefly metaphor/motif seems extremely drawn out and extremely overdone. I see you have a chiastic structure going on with the stanza's, and that's very cool. But the sheer repetition gets a bit tedious. Unless you need the lyrics to fill up the second half of the song, I say you cut it off at "for baby boy, die to grow up." Other than that, I think this is really good, definitely images that stick in the brain, and certainly a lot of depth under the metaphors here. Good job.

Take a look at mine when you get the chance:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=870425
#4
thanks for the kind words, and especially thanks for the suggestions. Unfortunately, synth, the sig is borrowed from lyrics not my own :p.

The bold was simply to connote where the chorus comes in, but now that you mention it, it really seems unnecessary, so thanks for that.

And metal, yes, it's way too repetitive, and I really have no justification for that besides my own incompetence :p. But I'll have to see what I can do.

Thanks again, everyone
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#6
it's off of Panic at the Disco's new album. "That Green Gentleman" is the song.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.