#1
I posted the first verse of this after it came to my head to see if it was worth developing into a song. I got some positive feedback on it, so I decided to do it. Anyways, here it is. Tell me what you think, and I'll crit back. I know it's hard to hear it in your head when you haven't written it, but try to imagine it as a Coldplay/Oasis-esque song.

EDIT: I have changed the song significantly. Read later post for updated song.

Everything seems to come and go
Like it all moves about a certain flow
All these words inside my head
Feeling like my thoughts unsaid
As I write and as I sing
I can't help but imagining, all the

Strange things that I have seen, and all the
Strange things that I have been, but won't the
Strange man, he'll call my name, and then he'll
Let go, or so they claim, but

Who are we to wonder why
If it's all just to say goodbye
Thinking that I can't pretend
Can't even start to comprehend, all the

Strange things that I have seen, and all the
Strange things that I have been, but won't the
Strange man, he'll call my name, and then he'll
Let go, or so they claim

It seems like it was just yesterday
That everything seemed to fade away
Strung me out across my knees
Why don't they ever just leave me be
I remember when it was full swing
And I can't help imagining, all the

Strange things that I have seen, and all the
Strange things that I have been, but won't the
Strange man, he'll call my name, and then he'll
Let go, or so they claim, but

Who are we to wonder why
If it's all just to say goodbye
Thinking that I can't pretend
Can't even start to comprehend

Everything that I could see
And everything that I could be
Feeling like I'm lost at sea
Will they ever be like me
Will they ever be like me
Will they ever be like me
Like me
Last edited by ttreat31 at May 30, 2008,
#2
thats pretty good.
of course, i picture it more like a metal song, and i think it would be good that way.
#3
It seems to me that you have a lot of filler words to preserve the flow, and while that can be fine, I'd recommend watching just how much it happens.

Overall, the vibes I get from this definitely fit in with the Coldplay / Oasis sound, so that's good . However, I am going to have to say that it seems a little bland--not that it's bad, it just lacks the lyrical punch that a lot of monumental songs have.

Anyway, you've got the flow down, as far as I can tell. So if I were you I'd try focusing on the images, the metaphors and similes, and the meaning of it all.

Good luck!
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#4
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
It seems to me that you have a lot of filler words to preserve the flow, and while that can be fine, I'd recommend watching just how much it happens.

Overall, the vibes I get from this definitely fit in with the Coldplay / Oasis sound, so that's good . However, I am going to have to say that it seems a little bland--not that it's bad, it just lacks the lyrical punch that a lot of monumental songs have.

Anyway, you've got the flow down, as far as I can tell. So if I were you I'd try focusing on the images, the metaphors and similes, and the meaning of it all.

Good luck!
~Ed.


I see exactly what you mean. I'll keep working on it definitely.
#5
Fly, Mattlowe pretty much covered it (as unhelpful as that is for me to say that) but I will say one more thing.

I think you got too lost not only in 'filler words' but also you don't have the piece tethered to any physical experience (or story) that someone could really connect to. All I'm suggesting is you sacrifice some, as the title states, ambiguous, word choice in favor of some concrete imagery that could tie all the great abstract ideas you have together.

Nice pace/flow though.

#6
Okay, I've re-written and added quite a bit to this piece. I've also decided to change the the title of it to "Renaissance Man". Tell me if you think this is better, worse or the same as before.

Everything seems to come and go
Like it moves about a certain flow
All these words inside my head
Feeling like my thoughts unsaid
As I write and as I sing
I can't help but imagining, all the

Strange things that I have seen, and all the
Strange things that I have been, how can the
First thing that I can find, be the
Last thing that's on my mind, and will the
Strange man call my name, will he
Let go, or will he proclaim:

"Everything that I could see
And everything that I could be
Feeling like I'm lost at sea
When did God walk out on me
When did God walk out on me
When did God walk out on me"

Who are we to wonder why
If it's all just to say goodbye
Thinking that I can't pretend
Can't even start to comprehend, all the

Strange things that I have seen, and all the
Strange things that I have been, how can the
First thing that I can find, be the
Last thing that's on my mind, and will the
Strange man call my name, will he
Let go, or will he proclaim:

"Lock the door inside my head
Lose the key and cry instead
I'm giving up on this poor man
Left for dead without a plan
I wonder how it all began
I wonder how it all began
I wonder how it all began"

It seems like it was just yesterday
That everything seemed to fade away
Strung him out across his knees
Why don't they ever just leave him be
I'm so sick of this whole thing
And I can't help imagining, all the

Strange things that I have seen, and all the
Strange things that I have been, how can the
First thing that I can find, be the
Last thing that's on my mind, and will the
Strange man call my name, will he
Let go, or will he proclaim:

"I love this life
Too much to let it by
For everything I've seen
And everything that's in between
You'll never know
What tomorrow ever shows
What tomorrow ever shows
What tomorrow ever shows"