#1
Well, I started working on this today, not really good as I see, it really spread apart, I have another copy in which I'm trying to turn it into a story, still need some help though.
It might not make any sense, so yeah,

c4c, but please leave a link.


Men use these words
to sound more profound
in a language not known to them

Women use there course of speech
(inexistent) to attract there agendas
to everyone

Creature find themselves
in common when wrought
upon a self designated king

The stars seem to be fearful of these animals
as they twirl and dance on the face of the planet

Now the primitive of these come out
from the natural reflection of the sun acting upon it

The Beast react to lovers as if winter fell quickly
Waters flow richly to the lake in which are their caves
As day comes quicker than winter these beasts are not heard of again

Now men can be found again using words that fray
Women need not quite themselves in front of the beast
Creature revolt; this idea is old
The kings been shot down and now the feast

Vanity was the kings, peasants are the kings
What faith is this?



eh still needs a lot of work, any help/advise/downgrading is welcomed.
Last edited by thefoundationof at May 30, 2008,
#2
its not a huge deal... but by all technicalities, unfinished is acceptable still working on it isn't. I'm not gonna be an ass and close it for such a minor deal, plus you are a reg. Just edited it. No biggie.

Should be back later to critique when I've sobered up a bit more... so probably tomorrow.
#4
Men use these words
these is not defined. which words?
to sound more profound
in a language not known to them

Women use there course of speech *their
(inexistent) to attract there agendas *their
to everyone
inside out.
one wouldn't try to attract their "anything" to other individuals.


Creature find themselves (plural?)
in common when wrought
upon a self designated king
look up the definition of wrought. it seems out of place here.

The stars seem to be fearful of these animals
seem to be fearful feels wordy and wimpy.
as they twirl and dance on the face of the planet

Now the primitive of these come out
from the natural reflection of the sun acting upon it
this has a few problems. the first line is not clear.
those who are primitive come out, or the primitive nature comes out in them?
"of them" should probably be used rather than "of these".
and are we talking about the animals?
the it refers to the face of the planet?


The Beast react to lovers as if winter fell quickly
huh?
Waters flow richly to the lake in which are their caves
even more confusing.
As day comes quicker than winter these beasts are not heard of again
more confusing yet and a run-on sentence, apparently.

Now men can be found again using words that fray
I didn't understand the purpose of starting a line with Now
not previously. not here.

Women need not quite themselves in front of the beast *quiet
Creature revolt; this idea is old
From here through the end kings becomes annoying.
it's never quite clear if you are talking about more than one king
something possessed by the king or a contraction of king was.

The kings been shot down and now the feast

Vanity was the kings, peasants are the kings
What faith is this?


i didn't understand this well enough to know if i liked it.
Meadows
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