#1
Crits are returned.
If you post a link.


I'm Never Seeing That Toaster Again

Blue is sprayed onto the ceiling,
Painted red another second.
The calling of the hearses sound
Outside my curtained casement.

The third one this week.
Another festival of lights.

Is this what God sees
When he looks down at us?

An officer perimeter;
A transparent case
For the commonfolk
To stand behind,
Unsteady.
Ambulances ready,
The hurried newspeople
Flock like flies
Toward their fresh cadavers.
(Or their fresh erasures)

A transient museum of
Modernity at work.

Is this what God sees
When he looks down at us?

One person goes to sleep,
And wakes the neighborhood.
What selfishness.
What brevity.

Awake with contempt,
I attempt to sleep.
Cradled by the silence of sirens.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jun 5, 2008,
#2
A policeman perimeter;
A transparent case
For the commonfolk
To stand behind
In awe.
Ambulances ready,
The hurried newspeople
Flock like flies
Toward fresh cadavers.
(Or their fresh erasures)

This stanza doesn't seem to flow very well (at least not in my head) cant imagine it in a song, same with words like transient, modernity and earsures? how do they work when tryin to sing them?
First stanzas good an the last 2 i like them, kinda crappy song title though sounds like fall out boy or sumthin
#4
ok, this is definitely the one that you were talking about.

well, i'm just going to have to bump this for now; i too am at work, mi-amigo.
i'll be back though, with a full crit, and that's a promise.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
I'm Never Seeing That Toaster Again

Blue is sprayed onto the ceiling,
Painted red another second.
The calling of police cars sound
i like the thought, but the wording feels uncomfortable.
Outside my curtained casement.

The third one this week.
Another festival of lights.

Is this what God sees
When he looks down at us?

A policeman perimeter;
policeman feels almost juvenile.
A transparent case
For the commonfolk
To stand behind
In awe.
Ambulances ready,
The hurried newspeople
Flock like flies
Toward fresh cadavers.
(Or their fresh erasures)
i almost expected something about photogs and "exposure".

A transient museum of
Modernity at work.

Is this what God sees
When he looks down at us?

One person goes to sleep,
And wakes the neighborhood.
What selfishness.
What brevity.
brevity makes me think succinct or other positive thoughts.
you might be able to find another word that conveys abrupt
but in a less than positive way.


Awake with contempt,
I attempt to sleep.
Cradled by the silence of sirens.
nice piece in general.
the internal rhyme, alliteration, and surface contradiction in the end were just right.
nothing overdone.
Meadows
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#6
alright, let's get it on!

i do not care for the "police" terms. i feel like an impact with these terms would be much more exonnerated as replaced with more abstract euphamisms, ironically.
i'm loving the couplet concerning the sight of God; that's just great.
i had to read the stanza beginning "policeman perimeter" a couple of times through before it felt comfortable. i think it was the line in parentheses; it kind of seemed out of place at first.
spotting out certain things that are detrimental to the rest of the piece here, i think is unneeded.
as a whole though, i think the main reason why it didn't have any real "breakthrough" for me was because of the brokeness of the structure. it made your ideas seem a little more distant from each other to have any harder, solidified impact than what it gave off already.

Pete, i think you're aspiring to be a very good writer man. this is probably my favorite of yours to date(i know that may seem hard to choke down with the crit and all), but i wouldn't have even bothered to go through the entire thing like this if i didn't see such an incandescent potential that gleams off your work.

good job man, and thank you extremely for the words on mine. it means a hell of alot.

- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Thanks for all your words.
I believe I returned the critiques that were asked for..

Kent and SYK, I see what you mean about the "policeman" stuff.
I'll change it later.
I actually have good substitutes for both lines.

Kent, as far as the form goes, I only really changed it to point out the scope of the piece. For example, the first stanza was relatively meaty, meaning it was zoomed-in scope-wise. Then it's followed by two short couplets, kind of backing away from the scene, which is then followed by a meaty stanza that's zoomed back in. And at the end, I tried to give two "realized verses," blending the two forms.

It was the main experiment for this poem..
I'm a sucker for random things like that.

Thanks again for all your critiques.
#8
'm Never Seeing That Toaster Again


right off, i'm more sure than not that i like the title


Blue is sprayed onto the ceiling, makes me think 'blue spraypaint' ..
Painted red another second. confirms the 'spraypaint suspicion' a little more
The calling of police cars sound oh, .. it's the lights , cherries n blue'z
Outside my curtained casement. do you mean 'basement'? if so, that works

The third one this week. so it's not for you? you're not the cop's interest
Another festival of lights. a little hacidic (right sp_elling?) -nice imagery

Is this what God sees ok, enter god stage whichever he wants. he's god.
When he looks down at us? are you talking about purely 'visual perspective' here? like, could a 'bird(raven?a barnswallow sparrow?)' or 'ghosts' be interchangeable with 'god'? if so, slight variation would allow for a change perhaps?

A policeman perimeter; nice, solid visual, this from above
A transparent case the case, you immediately think brief or suit, but you realize (perhaps) fast enough because of the imagery of the first line
For the commonfolk
To stand behind (am thinking a 'rappish delivery', so sylables(ha)important are here
In awe. was thinking 'standing behind wide eyed', to shorten
Ambulances ready, nice, kind of like 'knives at the ready' or some such..
The hurried newspeople a good visual
Flock like flies
Toward fresh cadavers. this one, i didn't like at all at all words 'flies' and 'cadavers'
(Or their fresh erasures)

A transient museum of
Modernity at work. liked the juxtaposition of words 'museum and 'modernity

Is this what God sees
When he looks down at us?

One person goes to sleep,
And wakes the neighborhood. (don't know for sure, - bit of a metaphorical stretch? perhaps?)
What selfishness.
What brevity. (what/what was given a shortness of duration by what/whom?)

Awake with contempt,
I attempt to sleep.
Cradled by the silence of sirens. i like the directness and clarity of the image of this last stanza. the first thing, for some reason, that pops into mind is a 'long, long hot summer night', in the middle of it, in whichever big city , wherever it gets real hot at night during the summer. that's how i picture the person of the last stanza.. kind of in boxers and maybe a wifebeater/ maybe no shirt, trying to sleep, so, the 'one person goes to sleep and wakes the neighborhood' fits this idea, vaguely but close enough because of the presence of the word 'sleep'... so maybe the idea of these first two lines could be changed, slightly tweaked, to, well, on a whim, z.B. - One person goes to sleep, the neighborhood goes to sleep', .. or 'the neighborhood doesn't go to sleep', or some such.. and then perhaps slightly change the 'adjectives' of selfishness and brevity to reflect this proposed change...

i like all the colour words of the first stanza.. and i wish the word 'spraypaint' were in there somewhere's! i do wish that the 'policeman perimeter' stanza flowed nicer, because that could be something in a one after the other part of the song... i.e. the best i can think of would be the '**** retro anything, **** your tattoos, **** all these gun toting hip gangster wannabes' part of aenima by tool, or it could have like major chords behind it and be a little bit british-y rock and roll, .. potential . i see a lot of it here



https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=874939
Last edited by parkt921k at Jun 5, 2008,
#9
Quote by my name is Pete
It was the main experiment for this poem..
I'm a sucker for random things like that.

you and me both, brother. lol.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
I made a few revisions.
I think it helped.

I actually wrote a melody to the lyrics as I corrected it.
It flows surprisingly nice, perimeter stanza and all.
Only the God couplet flows weird.
Hmm.

Anyway, yeah.
Check it out.
#11
really good dude.
i liked the changes you made to it.
great job.
you have a talent my bro.
it flowed nicley.

crit mine?
#12
[quote="'DownInA[k"]Hole']A policeman perimeter;
A transparent case
For the commonfolk
To stand behind
In awe.
Ambulances ready,
The hurried newspeople
Flock like flies
Toward fresh cadavers.
(Or their fresh erasures)

This stanza doesn't seem to flow very well (at least not in my head) cant imagine it in a song, same with words like transient, modernity and earsures? how do they work when tryin to sing them?
First stanzas good an the last 2 i like them, kinda crappy song title though sounds like fall out boy or sumthin

haha hes right dude, that totally sound like a fallout boy title