#1
A toast:

Three cheers to the Nigerian seller,
a man of gold; a renaissance of flesh.
He walks without blemish on foreign lands.
He has no soul, but a smoke he has led,
to lead the brothers to the covenant.

We must celebrate, time is like brown dust.
Ancestors of the north and the south, come;
let us remove your robe of suffering.
Come dine with us, our reign has a banquet.

But yet our names are left unfelt by night;
It has become a whisper without thorn.
But don’t be alarmed, Deity shall arise
from the east to west, beneath the frayed sun.
Those who chose to curse Deity’s name shall pay;
their bodies shall be broken, once again.
Deity has spoken. Let us sit down now.

Ah James, I see the feast is now ready:
by their heads, the true sovereign king shall
be made known to them. Deity has spoken.
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 31, 2008,
#2
Sorry, this is gonna be a shit crit fred.

I read this before. I absolutely hated it, and I have no idea why. Which is why I didn't say anything. I don't even know why I don't like it. I can't pick anything out that is technically wrong with it, the idea was solid... there is just something about it that came off as arrogant, like you were writing down to me. I know that wasn't your intention, but something about it made me feel like you were sitting on a mighty "literature throne" and were gracing me with a poem, and it made me dislike reading it. I honestly can't tell you what caused it. Its not your diction, as its the same diction you use in other pieces... its not your style, as its the same style that has worked for you before...

Sorry mate... I'm no help, which is why I didn't say something before.

Have a bump though,

-zC
#3
Quote by Bleed Away
A toast:

Three cheers to the Nigerian seller,
a man of gold; a renaissance of flesh.
He walks without blemish on foreign lands.
He has no soul, but a smoke he has led,
to lead the brothers to the covenant.
(Solid idea and all, but I HATE your choice of language, and this first stanza has it in it's mildest form. "He walks without blemish on foreign lands", the words in that line are fighting each other for space. None of them work well together.)

We must celebrate, time is like brown dust.
(Brown Dust is a poor image. Time is already gone?)
Ancestors of the north and the south, come;
(North and South together sound redundant, and "come" is weak as an ending. Maybe you could have said "of all the land". And "Ancestors" doesn't add meaning, so I'd ditch it.)
let us remove your robe of suffering.
(Remove sounds wierd, but I can't think of anything else. Good imagery, by the way.)
Come dine with us, our reign has a banquet.
(Our reign has a banquet? At some point in time, every reign has a banquet. I'm guessing the banquet actually SIMBOLIZES something. Clarify that. Say: "and join us in the feast of something something...)

But yet our names are left unfelt by night;
It has become a whisper without thorn.
But don’t be alarmed, Deity shall arise
from the east to west, beneath the frayed sun.
(It's grammatically flawed and superfluous to say "from THE east" without saying "THE west". Just say "the land".)
Those who chose to curse Deity’s name shall pay;
their bodies shall be broken, once again.
Deity has spoken. Let us sit down now.

Ah James, I see the feast is now ready:
by their heads, the true sovereign king shall
be made known to them. Deity has spoken.


Overall, an interesting subject. Didn't like the language, though.
#4
okay, so my first impression of this piece was "cold and royal", not sure if thats what you intended

It had a dignified air to it. It made me imagine some sort of Ancient empire, probably Egypt, which I think is really cool.

I hope this isn't all of the story though, as it seems rather cut short.

crit? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14614313#post14614313
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
i see almost exactly where Zach is coming from on this one, Fred.
poetry is meant to be pretentious/borderline ostentatious, and so is a poet; whether they'll admit to it or not. i can't even begin to tell you though how much sometimes your writing goes over my head(not in a pretentious manner, but rather comprehension-wise), and it boggles my "thinker" consistently.
you do have an odd way about you, though, my friend. your work is never lukewarm. it's either spot on, 100% connectible; or just......not, lol. you know what i mean?

you just need to find your friction point; and learn to use this bodacious clutch you have. i'm pretty sure once you've found it; you're going to drop bombs, my friend, and lots of them.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
This is way too formal.
I like the build up, but it went right over my head.
It just seems pretentious.
I like the writing, but not the piece, if that makes any sense.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.