#1
Pour all the things you want me to do into a paper cup,
I’ll drink it eventually.
I’m to busy trying to get out of the alleyways of my young mind.

Can you look at today,
and tell me why it doesn’t resemble yesterday?
I guess time is getting older too.

Nothing is ever as it seems,
and it’s not okay with me,
but it’s something I have to get used to.
At least for now, because it’s not going to change.

The water in the sea seems like it’s getting to old to swim.
The wind is up their in age too.
Mother Nature is getting grey now that I think about it.

Remember when the world was our friend?
Holding our hand like there was nothing to be scared of.
I now assume it’s true people change when they grow up.

Innocence is gone, but what can we do?
Nothing is the answer, reality, and the frightening truth.


crit for crit!
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#2
Quote by Striped_Monkey5
Pour all the things you want me to do into a paper cup,
I’ll drink it eventually.
I’m to busy trying to get out of the alleyways of my young mind.

Lovely opener. The 'want me to do' bit kind of got lost in my mouth though.

Can you look at today,
and tell me why it doesn’t resemble yesterday?
I guess time is getting older too.

'How' it doesn't resemble yesterday, not why?

Nothing is ever as it seems,
and it’s not okay with me,
but it’s something I have to get used to.
At least for now, because it’s not going to change.

'it's not okay with me' seems too casual when presented next to the rest of what's already been written. And maybe, 'there are some things' instead of 'it's something', that just seems like it's lost it's flow a bit. Could do with some touching up.

The water in the sea seems like it’s getting to old to swim.
The wind is up their in age too.
Mother Nature is getting grey now that I think about it.

The water in the sea doesn't swim, things swim in it.
The wind line could be executed so it flowed more nicely.
The last line here is implied in the other two lines, so 'really is' might sound better.


Remember when the world was our friend?
Holding our hand like there was nothing to be scared of.
I now assume it’s true people change when they grow up.

This idea has been written about many times before. If you're going to use it, giving it another slant would be better. Tie it in with the Earth changing more.

Innocence is gone, but what can we do?
Nothing is the answer, reality, and the frightening truth.

The last line could be written so it makes more sense.

crit for crit!


Just some suggestions, it's a great idea and the opening lines show a lot of thought, I liked them a lot. Could do with some work later on.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=870034 c4c?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
hey dude,

i like the clarity of the poem. It gets the point across and leaves the reader with a negative feeling afterwards - maybe even a defiant feeling...one that cant be excepted? I think this confusion left in the reader is cool

However in the first stanza I would have thought the author of the poem would have been trying to stay in the alleys of his young mind? Sort of like escaping the terrible things that are happening around him/her...especially if he/she has got loads of 'things' that need to be done.

The third stanza I cant relate to the rest of the poem...for me it doesnt fit - there is no link to the subject matter in the rest of the poem otehr than it is negative.

The fourth stanza is the best for me as I like the use of age/death/decay to describe the pollution in the natural world. It personifies the earth and really brings home how the human race is committing the crime of negligence.

I hope this gives you some constructive thoughts. Its my first crit so im gonna post something on if you would like to crit back. : )
the clouds. i would take a cup of moonlight once more, an ancient sea marge at my feet, thin clouds clinging to my darkling sky, the blue-grey cloak around my shoulders and horses neighing nearby... - Frank Herbert
#4
Quote by Striped_Monkey5
Pour all the things you want me to do into a paper cup,
I’ll drink it eventually.
I’m to busy trying to get out of the alleyways of my young mind.
I like the opening, but I think the first and last sentences are too long.


Can you look at today,
and tell me why it doesn’t resemble yesterday?
I guess time is getting older too.
This part gave me chills, reminds me of Shel Silverstein

Nothing is ever as it seems,
and it’s not okay with me,
but it’s something I have to get used to.
At least for now, because it’s not going to change.

The water in the sea seems like it’s getting to old to swim.
The wind is up their in age too.
Mother Nature is getting grey now that I think about it.

Remember when the world was our friend?
Holding our hand like there was nothing to be scared of.
I now assume it’s true people change when they grow up.
Everyone relates to this, EVERYONE.

Innocence is gone, but what can we do?
Nothing is the answer, reality, and the frightening truth.




https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=872262